Update

I have enjoyed my hiatus of blogging but thought it was time for an over due update. I have been loving reading all of my blogs; seeing baby pics of miracles, and ultrasound updates of others. It makes this journey more hopeful for all of us.

My long awaited hysterscopy was yesterday. things did not go as planned. The background is that I have been diligent with SHG and other hysterscopies to keep track of my what has been told to me as a perfect uterus. this past SHG showed one abnormality, I have never had any. When I awoke from anesthesia yesterday I was informed that I needed an emergency d and c. 20, that is right, 20 polyps were in my uterus! I nearly lost my shit. How does that go undetected despite a hysterscopy less than 6 months ago which was normal and btw demanded by me and not medically indicated. this prompted a wtf email to my clinic today. I am tired of waiting for a baby and a pregnancy that was deserved to me along time ago. if this feels like i am complaining, than so what I deserve to. I actually felt better hashing it out with them today. we have spent a small fortune. I learned that mine were so small that they were missed on the test. I ask you how does anyone ever get pregnant. I feel better today and know that I am a very strong advocate and could give two shits who I piss off at this point. My poor husband is more worried about me having cancer now and all of this, in my opinion, could have been avoided. If anyone has any polyp stories, please share.

My plan is to move forward. I accept that estrogen grows polyps but I will not give up on having a child. The anesthesiologist kept asking what pain meds i use for retrievals, and scopes; i was like uh mmm yeah none. she said wow you are strong. my only thought was you people have no clue how strong i am. I plan to pick myself up, use every resource I have, and push my doctor to the limit. I let him know outright if you have given up on me you can tell me and i will go elsewhere but if not game on. It is all I can do right now.


My apologies for my harshness today; I will be nicer next time.

and so it is

period one day before beta post natural IUI. here is my thought: whatevssss

It is monday. last week I worked almost 60 hours at my job and this week should be the same. but the sun is shining outside and I woke up today to the man of my dreams.

IF can go screw off for the week. Because I plan on staying focused on my work and my marriage. Both places I am successful and at least get something back for hard work!

Have a great week everyone!

Back to Basics

This is how I feel today. Going back to where it all started. Today I am having a natural IUI. I completed a mock cycle to get one on the books so if I pursue a donor it is done. I need to wait one more period before I can repeat the hysterscopy since I was not at baseline after taking the estrace. So the mystery to wait for what is in my uterus will have to wait some more.

Through all of this I have been so lucky. My body responds well and bounces back. When the nurse told me that there was a chance my natural hormones would kick in and ovulate I just had a feeling all would work out. So here I am with a 21 plus follicle. Do I have a gazillion gallons of hope that a natural iui will work, no but why not try it?! It reminds me of our first month at the clinic. We did a natural IUI, then a clomid IUI, and then 3 injectable cycles of an IUI. It seemed like so much, boy did I not have a clue of what we in store for me.

I always appreciate luck and prayers. I am enjoying reading all of my blogs. Some of you just got some hard earned BFPs, others are cycling, and some are like me trying to figure out what the summer will bring. My nurse told me something the other day that I thought I would share with you. She had said that women like us have more patience and strength than most. She had told me that the urge for her to be a mother would have eaten at her and she would not have been able to keep cycling. So please whenever you are all down remember that what we do every day is not always what others could handle. Yes we all should appreciate the positives in our lives, focus on other things etc. But wanting a baby, another baby, your 4 th baby, whatever it is, it is very hard work. I am going to try to keep that in my mind the next time I tell myself those dreaded words: I can't.

Something

Thank you all for the messages. I wanted to provide a quick update. I asked for a repeat SHG. I was due for one despite having 2 endo biopsies and a hysterscopy in November. As you recall nothing ever shows anything for me. labs, surgery, blood work all normal. until last Friday. they found something. yup, something. we don't know what it is, but i had an abnormality in my uterus.

In some odd way I was relieved. finally something that could be wrong. my amazing nurse scanned all of my others tests and scans and it is definitely is new. so i now have to get yet another hysterscopy done. I handled it fine, lets face it I am use to bad news. But my poor husband broke down. for the first time ever he wanted to stop treatment. he fears that this growth is cancerous. he told me that he wants me to be here healthy kids or no kids. thankfully he is doing much better now but last weekend was way too many nights of no sleep.

I have also started a mock cycle to get it done. if i use an egg donor i will need one so i am trying to get ahead of the game or at least do something. I need some advice. my nurse told me that there is a chance that those that fail egg donor cycles possibly are just women who reject every embryo. i literally have been ill since hearing this. she also said there is no way of testing for this at all. i am going to lose my mind if we save again use an egg donor and it fails. if i am destined to have no kids then i want to move on.


if anyone knows about this please let me know. you ladies are the smartest women i know!

In the moment

Thank you all for the messages and well wishes. I am here, still reading and still living. In my usual fashion I simply went to work on beta day and every day since. I worked more and harder than I should but that is who I am. I wish I could be the one who stays home, in bed, cries, eats what they want but I can not let myself. But man would it be nice.

My husband and I have done much talking over the past few days and the reality is we do not know where we are going in this journey. There is no guidebook and no predictor of what will happen. If someone were to tell me that if i did 10 ivfs i would be a mom than i would sign up now. but that is not reality. There is no way of knowing.

A part of me has started to wonder if i was doomed to have a sick or ill baby. am i being spared from something? I thought about this recently when I met a follow Vet IVFer who told me that she was starting to feel as though her eggs were bad and that her child would be very ill. she asked me if she was being spared from that. and it made me think. alot. I envy those who could parent any child. and maybe that is not me and god is punishing me. who the heck knows?!

For now, I am going to try to just be in the moment. I adore my husband who has never left my side through this and who continues to thank me daily for the sacrifices I have made to endure such medical treatment continuously. I love our life together and wish that felt like enough; but for both of us it is not. and that is where we are at ladies.

If anyone has any advice on next steps or how you knew it was time to stop, take a break, do donor eggs, or whatever else has healed your heart please let me know.

Happy Monday!

failure

BFN

seriously, what else is new right. You would think after 5 ivfs and now another iui  I would get use to it. But I am not. I felt numb all day and just angry. I have had enough. Seriously not even a damn chemical. I had 6 follicles for this iui?! anyway I basically told my husband that life sucks right now. I am not going to pretend to be happy when I am not.

I did not even take the sappy clinic phone call I was in no mood. I have no next steps and honestly I am really starting to wonder if this will ever happen.

waiting

I have been wanting to write but I do not have much to say. My test is Wednesday and life seems to have been so busy I really have not thought about the test as much. My husband and  I have both agreed that this cycle was so much easier. Maybe it is the less money spent, or the time, I am not sure but it has been easier on us. My husband remarked today that he feels that it didn't work. I reminded him of the low success rate of injectable IUI so he would not feel so bad. He said that I had not said much and that he feels if it worked I would have symptoms. I reminded him that IF treatment is all about having fake symptoms. Between the PIO, crinone, lovenox, dexamtheasone I have stuff going on but I refuse to get my hopes up. It is pretty cute as I think he still thinks that women should get instant morning sickness and like magic pregnancy hits.


Anyway I have been reading blogs daily. It is awesome reading where everyone is at right now. Some preggers, some starting, some gearing up for one more try. I am thinking of everyone and just sending positive thoughts to the universe. I will be back on Wednesday, but because I am insanely cheap I don't test ahead of time so I will know at some point Wednesday.

Happy Monday!

Stuffed

This is the only word i could think of to describe how I feel. I have never experienced OHSS, but this chick has something brewing. My last appt my E2 was over 3300. Impressive for this possible, too many cycles in a year chick if I say so myself! My dose was slightly lowered my last night and then i triggered the next day. I always get super constipated after retrievals. But since this was an IUI I was just not expecting it.

I have tried collace one time a day, but not much is happening. My whole body hurts and worse off so does my self esteem. I use to be about 80lbs heavier years ago so any sense of fullness puts me over the edge. my husband has tried to comfort me but that is not helping. Does anyone have any other tricks to make this better? I will probably call my nurse manager tomorrow as I dont think things are severe, but I want some relief in the meantime. Also, has anyone ever had this after IUI. This started literally at ovulation and has not stopped and now i am on PIO and crinone so you know with progesterone it will only get  worse.

Other than that I have been trying to not think too much about this cycle. if it fails it fails, the only thing it cost me was the cost of sperm. Let me not downplay that costs but after 5ivfs that felt like a nickle candy purchase.

I hope everyone is doing well~

It Day

sorry for the lack of writing. I have not had as much time this go around. and I must admit going back to an IUI has been soooo much easier than the stress of IVF that I have enjoyed my time. But today is the day. My body is ready! I am very thankful that after so many cycles I had a great response to meds for an IUI. I know the chances of it working are slim, but at this point 5 rounds of ivf gave me nothing so what can I lose!

Anyway, please wish me luck. I have been still reading all of my blogs. Please know that I am thinking of you all. some who had recent failures and others who are gearing up to cycle.

Be back this weekend with some sort of update!

Boston Pride

I grew up right outside of Boston. The events yesterday have literally rocked my world. My day started yesterday by checking in with FB and watching a video of my brother in law at the start line with my 2 nieces and nephew. A tradition they have done for the past 7 years. He is an avid runner and lives for this event. He is also a teacher who was enjoying the start of a well earned spring break. My husband had called me at work, as I have no internet access, and told me of the events not knowing that our family were there. The next 12 minutes both of us tried to reach everyone in our family and could not. In those minutes I could not cry, breathe or think. All I could think was please god let nothing happen to them. Finally, my husband called and I told him to go back on FB; he did and my bother in law had posted a message that everyone was safe. On most days I hate FB and am relieved to not have internet access during the day to avoid the general grandstanding that happens on there.  But yesterday the imagination of social media brought me gratitude. Cell phones had shut down and given he had posted a video of his family at the race, even more people were calling to make sure they were ok. Social media was one of the main reasons most people were able to get a message out. I am so grateful.


As the day progressed I could not help but to think where my life was at. I spent the morning at a monitoring appointment. Worrying about this and or that. Does this all matter? Do I want to bring a child into this world knowing that there is pure evil. My heart is aching for those families who lost someone and or who are seriously injured. I feel uneasy, on edge, and very unsure. I am spending my time and money towards a possibility of maybe having a child. My energy is completely absorbed by it. Am I wasting my time? Should I appreciate what I have? I also know that if I were a mother, I could not be as brave as some were and run to help others. I would grab my kids and run. I know it is awful, but watching the footage i envy those who don't think of them self first. That is not me. My instinct would be to get me and my family safe. Horrible I know. I just pray that these events stop in our world. It is too much, it is too close. I worry for the children being born that this world has become pure evil and this is how they will need to live.

Boston-in my heart today and always.

It is on!

Started stims today. sadly it feels like no time has passed. I am oddly excited this month. maybe because we are doing an IUI and the stress of the appointments is gone with no ivf. I am feeling refreshed and less stressed. this is a great thing.

I have spoken about my favorite rn before. but i need to say i am inspired by her. despite my numerous failures she has been able to get my spirit up. she never stops answering my questions and is so supportive.

we are in the process of ordering DS. that is a whole other adventure. it is odd that i cannot get over how crazy this process is. just when you think you are prepared there is more to do every day! more forms, more errors on the forms, this task never ends. my favorite part of the week was when i asked my husband if he is concerned with using a donor. he just simply reassures me that he will be a dad and that is all that he cares about. I adore this man! normal SA, but given our genetic matching he is willing to give it all up for me. I said to him tonight that it is still very hard for me. coming from someone who has experienced true medical drama I have never given up on anything. It feels like I am giving up, he has reminded me that we are moving forward. How did I get so lucky?!

So if there are any prayers left, please keep me in your thoughts. cycle number gazillion and one is starting and I need all of the help that I can get!

spotting

Hoping some wise readers can help me. Since I started ttc i have experienced months where i spot before my period. never had this before and to this day not one doctor could ever explain it. this month i literally had some brown and near black spotting. not alot just on the paper, but enough where my aggravation meter went through the roof. you think with the money i have spent i should get an answer. therefore i am turning to you. at this point most of you probably know more than any doctor. and if you have experienced this please let me know. my level of appreciation to hold on to my sanity would be awesome.

good news, since today is day 1 and I started lupron on day 21 i get to go in for baselines and start this all up again. I am trying to get and be excited!

Vacation

This is kind of what I have been on. a mental one that is. I started my lupron on friday. I am doing a long lupron cycle. i have not used lupron exclusively before. the last time was with an iui and it was combined with follistim and menopur. I am surprised by the amount of cramps that i am having with it. any of you ladies know if this is normal?

other than that my husband and I enjoyed the holiday weekend to ourselves. it was wonderful. it is one of the positives of not living near family is getting to make the holidays your own. I know some hate it and miss family. not us. we have such small amounts of time together that we relish in making our own traditions. for the most part I felt good on easter sunday. there were moments that the reality hit that another holiday passing childless. another holiday not even remotely closer to having answers and or getting to our goal. i actually had someone at my job make a dumb ass comment about my weekend plans. we usually are very busy people between our careers and the rest of our life. one of my co workers said "i am surprised you are busy since you don't have kids". seriously what ignorance?! i wanted to laugh and say i do more in a week than most mothers since both my husband and i average 60-70 hours a work week, i make a full dinner every night no matter when we get home, clean my own house, work out several times a week, and menu plan every sunday night for the entire week. the person that said it doesn't even work full time! my husband told me I should have responded and said well how are you so busy since you work two days week only. but in my own polite way i just remarked that everyone is busy in their own way and let it go. dear sweet jesus let the dumb comments end!

What I do know, is if hopefully i get a child out of this mess of a life, i will never question any one's time and or actions. you never know what folks are dealing with. i have two friends and my husband who know about our struggles. no one at my work knows. sometimes i feel like i could have major bragging rights as to what i have endured and yet i still go to work every day. yup who was the girl at work 36 hours after her lap..yeah that was me; after transfer oh yeah that was me, after endo biopsy yup me again. I could be milking this shit for all that it is worth, but i refuse to. i have tremendous responsibilities at work and none that i take lightly. my doctor knows my rule unless it will impact the outcome i refuse to be told to sit home on my ass. my first ivf i took the whole week off and it failed. i vowed to never do that again. but trust me i could. my doctor would write me out of work any day given the number of attempts that i had. anyway, i am sorry for this rant. maybe i didn't realize how much things bothered me until now.

BUT if you have time, you must all read my fellow blogger's blog. maria at http://everydayisacountrysong.blogspot.com. 


She delivered her miracle daughter yesterday. She is the most amazing blogger. Her blog rocks my world with its creativity, pics, and of course her weekly food dishes. She has endured so much loss and to see her enter motherhood and share it with the world is a gift. She truly has inspired me with her spirit and the the love that she shares with her husband. If you need to be inspired read her story and trust me it will hopefully remind you that with persistence dreams can come true.

Update

Before I begin words cannot express my gratitude to all of you. the emails and posts checking in on  me just filled me with hope during these weeks. I keep wanting to write, but honestly I just don't have much energy right now.

We had our fup meeting with the founder of our clinic. At the time I felt energized to cycle again. And in fact I still do. He was fully in support of us and provided us with some feedback of returning to a more simpler, yet old fashioned approach to IVF. Trust me I am game. If I had my way I would do IVF until every freakin egg was plucked from me. I will never be convinced that I do not have one good egg left, never. When IVF cycles  fail, within about a week I am ready to stim again, its how I roll and it is not going to change.

But something has been lurking inside of me. My husband's age. He is 47. I know he doesnt always want to tell me but his age really bothers him. His father died when he was 7. He wants to be around for his child's life as long as possible. Although I beg him to tell me if he is ready to move on, he wont. He knows how committed I am to my own genetics and mostly how well I have taken care of myself. I never used the pill as I was fearful of damaging my fertility (what an f-in joke, huh). I also know that when we paid for a genetic consult, despite amazing SA numbers and normal karotyping, she warned us about his age. Diseases can be suppressed even with genetics and with paternal age they are finding more diseases are becoming apparent in children. I had read this but then hearing it on our consult this fall it made us both think. a lot.

Second, and not something I have shared. Last spring we had a consult with an RI. I wont name names, but he was not someone I would ever consider cycling with. We paid for immunology tests out of pocket. My husband and I were deemed to be genetic matches. This is crazy stuff that very few doctors believe in. It was the only day during this journey in which I stopped breathing. It was a devastating day. Worse than that day was to learn my only option was to try an experimental drug that provided no guarantee for me nor my future child. I made the decision instantly that I would not pursue that route. I make absolutely no judgement on anyone who chooses to use this path. I could not. I am fine with something happening to me, but not my child. no way. our other option was more simple; sperm donor. Immune issues are not resolved by egg donors, per most RI. Given our experience with this doctor we pursued down our own path. I won't lie I never regretted working with him, but I always remained uncertain if maybe he was right.

Here is what I do know. In 5 ivfs we have made outstanding embryos. Noteworthy embryos to the point that when I call various people at our clinic, they all reflect on the quality. Yes I know without pgd of cgh they might be abnormal, but lets face it these grading scales have existed for a long time and for a reason. In more than 2 ivf cycles I had the near highest rating. And barely a chemical. All of this and a perfect uterus with no issues. There just has to be something to this.

So my husband and I have made the difficult decision to pursue treatment with a sperm donor. I am married to the most amazing man. He has told me, from the start, that he is the father and has no doubt of his ability to attach to a child outside of his genetics. He wants to be a father and will do anything to get there. I am grieving deeply for what we cannot have. But am possibly comforted by us being too genetically similar, in our own way we were meant to be together. My emotional connection to this man goes above and beyond any words that I could find.

Our RE has supported us. We initially thought that we would do IVF with both his sperm and a donor. But at the end of the day money does not grow on trees. We have decided to puruse donor IUIs while we save for other next steps. At some point we might need an egg donor. Given this immune issue we would need and would be ok with using donors for both egg and sperm. I know, crazy shit. But if this theory is true and an egg donor with his sperm wont work then we will go with donors for both and give ourselves the best chance possible.

My current task is to focus on that we are no giving up, that we are moving forward. I have never ever given up on anything. And i have been through an outstanding amount of shit in my life. My RE tried to comfort me and say that they have run data and most of his clients give up after 2 or 3 times. I did 5 ivfs  in 13 months. I had to look at him and just think " you have no clue how strong I am". It is going to take a tremendous amount of effort to not feel like a failure and that i am giving up. It is who I am and that is not going to change anytime soon. What I  know is that I am going to fight this battle, at this point this is a personal war, until my body tells me not to. What I need right now is support. You ladies ge it. You are me. Fighters in the mist of what I can only reflect as one of life's cruelest of jokes. So I will be posting more over the next few weeks. Each day I get back to me, who I am and mostly the life I am so desperately trying to create. For now I am grateful for all that I have and mostly my mind and body which have sheltered me through this darkest of times and lead me to the light that is ahead.

Still Here

still h ere but I don't have much to say. I am enjoying reading the blogs of others before my next steps. I will be sharing soon as we have experienced some new, but old developments in our journey.

Medication

I had to stop taking synthroid. My rash grew to a full blown swollen cheeks and face and painful to the touch. the one RE I spoke to was a jerk about it and basically said you chose if you want to take it. Yeah, uhm hello I am trying everything, including risking my health, to have a baby I would like to know how this is affecting my chances. My husband and I decided I am going to see a medical endocrinologist to get this figured out. I got tired pretty quick of people asking what was wrong with my face and who knows what the med was doing to my body. I can not stand medication and the fact most doctors dont tell you and down play the side effects and or what else it is doing to you. It aggravates the shit out of me. and infertility is the worse; all they tell you about it is OHSS; I am pretty darn sure that there are way more side effects and things going on fo rmy body than just that possibility. My husband had a good point and reminded me that I dont deserve to walk around looking idiotic; if it is going to work it will work regardless of a slightly elevated thyroid. trust me if i actually was pregnant i would deal with it. but sense I feel like a piece of crap right now after 5 failed ivfs in over a year, i am going to cling to the piece of self esteem that i might have left.

Someone told me kelp helps with thyroid function? does anyone else get any feedback on TSH levels prior to cycling?

Help

is anyone on brand name Synthroid? I seem to be having another reaction. Red face, again like the generic. the pharmacist said maybe it is not an allergy and just the way my body is absorbing the medicine. i am on the lowest dose.

looking for any and all advice. if it helps my tsh value goes up and down, last time checked it was 4.25. research seems spotty on who should take it. I am willing to do anything when i am pregnant, but this is not helping the old self esteem to have a facial rash.

Old School

Thank you all for your comments and support. I have no words but just enormous gratitude. this world we called blogging is just becoming my life jacket. I am so lucky.

We had a fup with the founder and director of our clinic. on valentine's day. yup, ladies we are all about the unique and expensive ways to celebrate love. Prior to the meeting I did look at donors and consider my options. I spoke with our embryology department and had every flowsheet sent to me to exam. I need to say getting this information helped me alot. It gave me some reassurance on what i was being told. The reality is we make pretty good embryos, and a lot of them. I have decided to not pursue pgd or cgh testing. for us it would be 5k, no matter how many embryos. and the reality is even if one cycle tested poorly, i would still continue. yes, after all of this I don't feel ready to move on. I know I should. But I don't. I need to go with how I feel and what makes sense for me and my husband. I am not excluding an egg donor, but I am just not ready. I have a fridge full of meds and ovaries still making lots of eggs. My re told me that i had good energy (trust me his like the energy king) and that he was in no position to tell me to stop. He told me numerous stories of women, much older than me, and all with diagnoses who were successful who kept on trying. I told him that I will know when I am ready. I tend to make good decisions in life and this is one of them. I told my husband at any point if he wants to stop and use an egg donor I will. I just want him to feel honest with his own feelings.

Anyway, the one thing that my RE did say to me is that he is going back old school with ivf. He is very creative, out of the box type of guy, so this was shocking. He proposed a long lupron protocol, antibiotics, back on Dexamthethasone, heparin, and possibly some other stuff. I do not have to repeat the endo biopsey, which is great since i have now had 2 of those. additionally, he said no more intralipids. being the internet freak that I am, I already knew that they were on back order however, he is not seeing the numbers he had been with this technique. He is going to continue with intrauterine HCG. I have done that a few times, but I will do it again if it helps.He also wants me back on a thyroid medicine. I was not psyched about this, but my starting tsh was over 4 this time. i was on the generic version last year for 6  months and developed severe blushing with turn into a nasty facial rash. i am hoping the brand name will help. Trust me i want a baby badly, but I am tired of it being at the cost of my self esteem. walking around with the rash was not fun at all and took awhile to clear up. Does anyone else have a census on tsh levels? it seems there is much disagreement in the field.

I am also going to make some diet restrictions. which will be hard as i am already so restrictive. He also told me to add ocp to my supplement list. I am deleting dhea as well. he isnt a fan. anyway, this is a very long update. what I need now is hope and support. so please keep blogging. I am loving reading and getting inspired.

Failure

Thank you all so much for your support. The past two days have been the hardest to date. As I predicted my beta was completely negative. I am so glad that I tested early, it made yesterday more of a formality than anything else.

My husband and I had a phone consult with the director of our clinic late tonight. Yes, the man does phone calls at like 8pm at night, it truly is amazing. I finally lost it on the phone with him. I cried. Maybe I am in denial, I dont know, but I can not believe where I am today. He is usually the king of optimism and will say things like it is all about persistence. But not tonight. That is what was so hard. He told me that I am, and will always be in the category of unexplained. My fsh fluctuates between 5.5 and 7 every month since I started 2 years ago. How friggin sad is that? Normal FSH and I cant even get 1 baby out of the highest of technology.

He basically told me that I can consider donor eggs. That in the end it is more about egg quality than anything else. That the world is imperfect and that even with lab values they dont know who will be successful and who will not. He has patients with really high fsh and those like me who are normal and don't succeed. Of course I know this but it was still hard to hear. I have had many of conversations with him and he usually tells me to keep going and or tells me an amazing story of a patient who did 8 ivfs and ended up with a baby. Tonight he felt defeated as well and that is what made me feel sad. My husband tried to comfort me by telling me that he had to be that way given how persistent I have been. 5 ivfs and 1 fet in 13 months. My husband basically said he would have been crazy to give me the persistence speech at this point. I guess he is right, although it was still hard to not have him cheering us on. He did tell me that he will support any decision that we make. But I need to be honest, doing another ivf with cgh is expensive as is donor eggs. How pathetically sad that all of this comes down to money, but it does. The world is about money and we are very out of money at this point. My husband and I also promised ourselves a long time ago that we would not go into debt to have a child. I really, if nothing else, want to commit to that. To end this journey with debt will just make me feel even sadder than I already feel today.

So that is where I am at. I work up and decided to blog because I just cant sleep. I found myself crying in my sleep. I dont even know how to grieve this. My body feels like it has been hit by a truck. I will never understand why I deserved this or why anyone should. But I have to find my way back. right now I feel lost, irreconcilable to myself . If i do donor eggs I will need to have energy to do that, and right now I have nothing except the biggest most horrible feeling in my heart. My first thought when I woke up was that this is like the feeling you get when something horrible happens in your life and or when someone has died. there is that minute that things feel ok and then when you are fully awake the sadness hits you hard. that is how I feel right now. And i have no clue how to make this better and or find the way out. I hope I find my way back soon. I feel sad, alone, and confused. My blog, my husband, and the little energy i have left will have to keep me going.

Thanks for listening.

caving in

so I caved in and tested. completely negative. yup. that is right. 5th ivf cycle, no answers, 6 day 5 embryos and we are left with nothing. i feel like nothing short of a loser at this point. who does this 5 times without a diagnosis to end up with nothing. mostly i feel stupid for being so positive, like i have been told to do by my clinic, to end up with the same result. i feel like a complete idiot.sorry the positivity shit ends today, i am a realist and that is how i am going to be from this point further. i cant keep my head in the clouds any further.

I know i can do ivf again. here is alittle secret; i should not have to. i find ivf very easy is so many ways. needles, medical stuff none of that phases me. i have a great response each time. you know what phases me. the shit that this has brought into my life. the vacations i cant take in case its retrieval day, the lies i have to say at work to get time off to keep some amount of privacy, and the money that i have literally wasted over the past 2 years to end up with nothing.

my poor husband he is going to be devastated. sadly he keeps the hope up for us throughout the whole wait. i tried to convince myself every cycle is different. the reality is that i had no symptoms; guess what that equals no baby. my clinic always says dont test early. i am tired of listening to that. those tests are sensitive and if i had any hcg left in me it would have showed up. sorry i look at pee tests constantly on blogs..the lines appear when you are pregnant.

I just think I need to face that this is not going to happen and that I need to move on. perseverance is one thing, self torture is ridiculous.

waiting

4dp5dt. Nothing. I feel nothing. I always want to feel a sign and really wanted to this time. I just feel tired and kind of crampy from the enormous amounts of crinone inside of me. Can anyone tell me if they have ever felt signs?

I am also trying to remain positive but have already accepted that there is a possibility that I will have to do this again and maybe again after that.

I just want it to be over and to be pregnant. I do positive thinking, I am grateful for what I have. But this level of treatment without success borders on cruel.

It is going to be a long week until beta on Wednesday!

On Board!

Embies are home where they need to be. It was a very long weekend as I woke up on Saturday ill and with a fever. I don't know about anyone else but I feel enormous pressure for my cycle to go perfectly and it seems that I am never sick until I have something major going on. I guess that is life. I called the clinic and they had me take Tylenol to bring down the fever. I generally don't need to take anything after retrievals, but I did it as I wanted nothing to screw up my transfer. I am just going to pray that this does not mess up my chances. But it also reminds me that I can't control everything in life.

This might sound strange. But I do not POAS. I know, its crazy five ivfs and I just do not do it. No I don't love the surprise, for me it comes down to money. I feel like I have spent enough time and money on this process that I do not buy any more supplies so to speak. I also have always had this weird feeling that I will just know if I am pregnant. I might consider it this time around, but probably not. For now I am going to focus on positive thoughts only and just enjoy the accomplishments from this cycle. I feel as though we did everything we were asked to do, more acupuncture, less dairy, endo biopsy, HGH (a very small fortune), support groups, not thinking about it too much, relaxing..you ladies know the deal. My husband said it perfectly; he reminded me that I did everything humanly possible for this cycle to work. He is really trying to think positive and yesterday after the transfer he took a cell pic of the US screen and remarked that he was starting the baby book. adorable!

Thank  you ladies for all of your support. I know some of you are experiencing losses right now and others are in the mist of cycles. You are all in my thoughts. I pray daily that this journey brings us all the endings we deserve.

Update

100 percent fertilization! Thank you god! 5 day transfer set. and for now I am going to think about those embies growing! Life is good.

Retrieval

Retrieval went well. I have been reading a lot about posting numbers and have decided to not post any numbers. I will say that I was lucky enough to have every follicle have an egg. At this point I will take that! My expectation was pretty low today so to end the day feeling positive is where I need to be right now.

I did have an odd part of the day. we arrived to the clinic early so my husband could provide his sample. I began to get really nervous, which I never do. We waited awhile, although they were not busy and I just started to have all sorts of questions. what if i ovulated early? what if they don't bring him in the room? it was insane stuff. The nurse was not overly helpful and even asked me what day was day 1. Hello. here we are at retrieval. my clinic is entirely electronic and has a flowsheet with all information per cycle. and in fact patients have access to it so i know damn well what is there. all i thought was great i get the lazy nurse today. when she put my hr monitor on my hr was at 100. i think the anxiety was getting to me and my husband tried to relax me. when my RE came in, who is just the most positive person, i broke down and for the first time through an ivf cycle I cried in front of him. I told him I didn't know why but i was nervous today. and he said the most magical thing to me. "You are normal". He hugged me and reminded me of positive thinking for the day. I said outloud what I felt; that i was happy that he was there. There was a part of me that was worried that something was going to happen to me. I still don't know where this came from, but it was there. And it was real. Thankfully, my friend the anesthesiologist came in and we got to the good part. my heart rate lowered soon thereafter. Luckily I realized later that I was dehydrated between the long drive last night, no fluids, and only 4 hrs of sleep my body kicked in.

Anyway, I want to thank many of you for your thoughts and prayers. I felt your presence today and clearly I needed it.

Ready

quick update. ER to be on wed! Did an acupuncture session on Saturday morning and knew by today my body was ready. trigger tonight and then heading out Tuesday night! I could not help but to pray last night that it could be my last time ever taking meds. I really hope so! One of my favorite nurses gave me a pep talk reminding me how lucky that I am that my body still responds to meds given the number of cycles. I am going to focus on that and just hope we get one lucky one!

Thanks for all of the well wishes...I will be back later in the week!

an award

ok 2 posts in one day.but i got nominated for an award from Jen at http://overworkedovaries.blogspot.com. The Liebster Blog. This is amazing, since I am clueless on blogging! Thanks Jen!

Her questions

1. What's your biggest guilty pleasure? beyond exercise, I love getting massaged. my husband gives me daily foot rubs. I am one lucky gal
2. Snacks...salty or sweet? neither but if i have to say so salty
3. What's your favorite book? this is really hard. I would have to say taste of the blackberries. it is a children's book which shaped my life on grief.
4. How did you meet your spouse? on line..it was the riskiest thing i did with the greatest reward
5. What's the scariest thing you've ever done? 5 ivfs in a year. seriously, enough said.
6. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? amazing question.  khloe kardashian...crazy i know.
7. Do you have any hobbies? i love baking, wrapping presents, and pilates!
8. Do you prefer the city or the country? city girl here
9. What is the farthest place you have ever traveled to? Italy. it was devine
10. Do you have pets? no
11. What was your first job? research assistant. boring job, great people and led me to the place that i needed to be

questions about me

 

1. Biggest regret? I regret not having more confidence in my 20s. 
2. favorite food? seriously quinoa..i am addicted to it
3. favorite thing about myself. I am a good caring person. the older i get the more i realize few people care about others
4. why i will make a good m om. because my life will be dedicated to my baby. i cant wait to love him or her
5. my favorite person in the world? my oldest niece, she rocks my world
6. one thing that no one knows about me? I pray and meditate every day. even more so now.
7. what has been the best part of this journey? realizing that i am a stronger person and even stronger than i ever imagined.
8. favorite moment of the week? opening my lunch today and finding a note on a napkin from my DH. the last line read you are my hero. he is my world, my everything. I will risk my life, and kind of already have, to make him a father.
9. can i keep a secret? this i am amazing at. my hubbie calls me a vault
10. the last time i felt relaxed? holiday baking time..i was in the zone
11. the one thing that i will say after i give birth? beyond bonding with my baby. all i visualize is me crying and saying its over. the battle, the shots, the lack of answers, surgery, drugs...its over and knowing that a new amazing thing is starting

Pushing on

Everything went well today. Slept through my infusion and then raced back to work to finish a 12 hour day. I cannot wait for this stuff to be over, I am so tired of racing back and forth between appointments, calling a pharmacy, and trying to maintain a demanding career. It was laughable today as no one at my work knows and i thought to myself "if these people only knew what i have dealt with today" hmmm

Anyway I am resolved that the growth hormone did what it did. I don't think I will get as many as previous cycles but I am happy that I tried. I spoke to the founder of my clinic. He is whole other post. the man gave us his cell phone and lets us text him questions. he is my buddha. I spoke to him today and he said that the hgh is for quality and that we would be adding hcg at transfer. I have done that before and it didn't work but I am going to try it again. does anyone have any thoughts on hcg at transfer?

my goal for the weekend is to try to relax. we have a tremendous amount planned for this weekend and i just want to enjoy myself. I am also working out tomorrow and mentally telling myself this might be my last hard core work out. i have been bad before and worked out during my 2ww, but not anymore. for the love of god it is ivf number 5! as my acupuncturist says "you have the rest of your life to exercise, do nothing". He is also a sweet god from above.

 I hope you ladies are having a rock star weekend. Looking forward to catching up on my blogs.

Update

Scan went well. I am progressing as I usually do...at this point I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing. My estrogen was slightly low (which is unusual for me) so I was increased a bit. I go back on friday for a scan and some intralipids and then retrieval sometime early next week. Has anyone ever had the same amount retrieved. It is like my body has a set IVF point..i was reminded again today of quality over quantity ...but i just want more than last time. does that make sense? well actually lets face it i just want this to work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the well wishes.

quick question

if anyone has used saizen or human growth hormone can you let me know if it makes your follicles grow faster? Ugh I am hoping all is ok.my first scan they didn't seem much but I am back tomorrow. I just feel so swollen already. any help or advice is appreciated!

And so it is

Just wanted to give a quick update. Day 2 on hgh. Ahh the mixing of meds, rushing like mad to get home in time, it just never gets old ladies. It all feels the same but different, a 3 month break, but it is like it never stopped. 

I am trying to work on my positive thoughts and intentions this month.I will need some help with that. The one thought that keeps coming to mind is how grateful I am to have the opportunity to do this. And this is what it is. Just an opportunity, a chance for your dreams to come true. My husband is convinced that this is the one. I am not sure, but there is one thing i do know. I am going to do this until I cant. Until my body produces no eggs, I will try. Emotionally I am not sure how, but physically I am in excellent health so I can.

 I have been one of the lucky ones. Because truly I believe in luck. I don't gain weight during treatment. Over this past year I lost close to 20lbs. Ask me how come? Food and celebrations become less important when you feel your life slipping away. I also made a decision that I would not emotionally eat my way through this. And trust me I can, and I can do it well. I know many women in which the drugs have resulted in weight gain. This is through no fault of their own of course, just another hideous side effect from this journey and the pharmaceuticals we need to take during treatment. They are my heroes, because weight gain out of your control is awful. The dedication to continue doing something that has changed your entire body image is admirable. Those women will be rock star mothers one day.

I hope you are all are having a great weekend. I have a few of you in my thoughts as you are cycling, waiting for the next US, and like me praying for the follicular growth that we need to find our lucky one.

Number 5

It is on! AF arrived on time. I guess I can be grateful for that! Maybe this explains my rant yesterday!

One thing I would like to mention is my amazing clinic and mostly the head RN. These people continue to rock my world...and lets face it that is tough to do at this point. I love that I can call there, they know who I am, they get me in quickly, and just are so nice. Lets face it, I am not feeling too nice at this point so one of us needs to be. Everything is also electronic so in seconds i get consents sent to me and they email. this might seem minor, but in the mist of more cycles than i care to recall email has saved my life. whether its getting a question answered, at any hour, they respond. I plan to shower them with some big baby love when this whole thing is over. And to be honest I cant wait for that day. to thank those who have been there, consistently each time. I have got nothing but love.

This cycle we will also be using Saizen or human growth hormone. At this point I am willing to try anything, and although it is ungodly expensive, it seems worth a try. Please if anyone knows about this drug, let me know. I use an anatagonist cycle as well with follistim, menopur and ganirlex. My supply, which I have built up over the year is starting to get low. Foolishly I thought, I will get to donate all of these as I will never need them all...silly..silly girl. Anyway, starting today it is all about the positive thoughts, appointments, needles (thank god those don't bother me), and all of the other lovely crap that goes along with it. I also do RPL protocol as at my clinic they use that if you have failed implantation. So more intralipids and lovenox my way. plus the long list of vitamins I take already. I also recently started DHEA. does anyone have any experience with that? I am trying it but I really wonder if it will matter or not.

Here is to lucky number 5!!!!

Welcoming 2013

I am slowly learning that  I have less time than I want to be able to blog. It seems I make time to write and end up reading other blogs and neglecting my own. I thought I should at least update everyone with my post holiday news. First, I want to thank many of you for your comments and also all of the other fellow bloggers. The holidays were enjoyable and reading everyone Else's thoughts about them really helped at times too.I am just amazed at the women in this world who blog. Their honesty, humor and thoughts are just awesome!

My husband and I spent Christmas day alone as we have planned. It was completely wonderful and met both of our expectations. It will be a must do for years to come baby or no baby. We just loved that time together and am sad that we have missed out on it over the years.

I wish I had something inspiring to share about the new year. Maybe that is why I have not blogged in so long. The reality is that I was happy to see the year end. 2012 can shove it. 4 ivfs in less than a year leaves one kind of sour, sorry but its the truth. And the end of the December that is just how I felt. I am tired of hearing things happen for a reason....sorry but there is no reasoning for this heartache. For having to sacrifice so much of one's life to even pay for ivf...sorry I vow to never believe that at this point. I was just so happy the year was over. Should I feel positive, yes; but at the end of the day I have to put a smile on my face for every day at work. I told my husband for 2013 I am going to be real. If I feel in a bad mood, I am going to be in one. I am tired of being some superhero. I am a human being. I think it finally hit how much i keep it together between juggling a very demanding career, doctor appointments, exercising, acupuncture, procedures...saving money (that's my role)...it just gets endless. So if I feel unhappy I am going to let myself feel that way....at least for a little bit. Everyone else gets to, so why cant I. I cant because that has never been me. I am always the strong one and then am judged by those when I actually have real feelings. I lost a close friendship this year for that exact reason. And sadly as the year closed it was my best accomplishment, getting rid of negative, judgmental people in my life. I have no space and or time for those folks. Particularly now! Sadly that is what I felt the best about it. Knowing that person is no longer in my life.

Anyone else have any NY reflections to share?