Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday Update

My apologies I have been wanting to blog sooner but the time, and my energy, is going fast these days. My repeat hysterscopy was Wednesday. At my clinic, conscious sedation is used, so I don't remember too much of the procedure. I did wake up halfway through the procedure, which was quite interesting! In the end I learned, as I always have, that everything looked beautiful...seriously those were the words used. UGH. to say I was relieved was true, but also kind of sad that again we have no answers. I kept asking over and over again what they found. Even today, my nurse called to follow up and I said was it the drugs or was everything really ok. She laughed and said that it was excellent. no abnormlities and a beautiful uterus. I should feel lucky, I have recovered fine. I didn't even need an Advil, almost like it never happened.

How does everyone handle this type of news? Am I strange for wanting them to find something? Some answer. I couldn't help but to ask myself tonight; what will it be like when this is over? when i no longer wonder why or when and I am driving home to my baby. I would pay anything for this to be over. if someone could just tell me what to do I would do it. But I am left with asking questions and getting no answers. My RE states it best" my advice is to make embryos and put them in your uterus". He is a huge believer in persistence. I feel as though 4ivfs in 10 months...hmmm ladies doesn't that sound persistent enough?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Next Steps

Hopefully everyone is winding down after a weekend of relaxation. This weekend is always hard for me. There is always a part of me that loves the start of the holiday season but also feels sad as well. Between the money, expectations, family tensions, and of course this journey it makes enjoying the holidays a little more challenging.

How does everyone else tackle this time of year?

 A part of me is excited that we are going to be starting another cycle again. On Wednesday we have our second hysterscopy to take a quick look. Craziness I know, but when everything is normal, one needs to make sure! Our first lap/hyster was in the Summer of 2011. I felt terribly guilty for putting my body through surgery only to learn they did not find one thing wrong. I know this is a good thing, but a part of me wishes that there was something there. Anyways, after that we have a endometrial biopsy scratch test planned. My clinic is trying to pull out all of the stops for us which i greatly appreciate.

I still struggle with one repeated thought: what if none of this is enough? I worry that I wont ask the right questions, ask for the right tests, right meds and this will never work. Funny how I am paying a place a small fortune yet i still blame and hold myself accountable for every part of this journey. Does this make sense to anyone else. My husband tries to tell me to trust the doctors that they will tell us what we need to do or if we have missed anything. How do you trust the world, when you have lost all trust in your own body to work normally? I suppose this is why i spend time reading and learning about new protocols and creating my own plan. It is the only thing that i have control over in this journey. In the end I want to be confident that I gave this everything I had, even if I fail.

Friday, November 23, 2012


I hope everyone had a great day yesterday with family and friends. I love fall and the holidays. Living on the east coast it is a beautiful time of year. I am incredibly thankful for many things.

1. My husband, my partner in life. The one thing I love blogs is that i get to hear good things about people in others' lives. My husband is no exception. He just amazes me. He has been on this journey with me the entire time. We make decisions about next steps together. His strength has amazed me. I think back to our last ER when the doctor asked him again if he wanted to be present in the room. On that day there was a shortage of a specific drug for anesthesia. After explaining that there was great possibility that the retrieval would be more traumatic as I might "feel" more than normal; he remained in the room holding my hand the entire time knowing that I would want every detail of how each possibility of life was retrieved. He still, after more shots than I want to recall, tears up after every injection and thanks me every single time.

2. my family and friends. most have no clue what we are going through. I must say that is part of the journey that I enjoy. I love my privacy and making difficult decisions has been easier between us. Regardless we feel their love each day. My nephew and nieces: my buggie and my butterflies (more on them to come). The fill my cup of life and damn near knock it over. My love for them is endless.

3. My nurse manager and my clinic. These people amaze me. Too many instances to recant but they go above and beyond and never seem to tire. emails, texting, hugs...their ability to be present in the moment is a gift from above. To my RE who answered his cell phone in the OR prior to surgery to answer a few more questions before a rock my world!

4.  my health. very simply my health is my obsession. I have lost a considerable amount of weight over the years. Most of my days now are spent eating as healthy as possible, exercising and generally making life choices so that my life leads into the direction that I want. I respect my health above most things and am thankful that my body has sustained the torture of multiple IVF cycles this year.

5. My cycle. Last year AF arrived on both Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, lovely I know. I am thankful that this year I didn't need a physical reminder of this failure in my life. I also am thankful that I get my period monthly, without intervention. I know many of many of women who struggle with irregular cycles, and pain. AF has always been good to me, regular and non traumatic. for that i am grateful as it makes this process so much easier.

I hope all of you had a great day. And for anyone reading who has experienced a loss recently, failed cycle, or is realizing that they will need to start this journey; my thoughts and prayers are with you. And for the many of us that are thankful for so many things in our life, but desperately want this journey to end and for our babies to join us..godspeed.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

A New Beginning

Sometimes you don't know where to begin.

Today is that moment.

I have lurked on blogs for nearly 2 years, while silently struggling myself. I began my infertility journey like most. We were optimistic and wanted to waste no time.

We waited, what seemed like years, to find one another and when we did it was magical. Life took some turns and I spent a year or so on myself. I got to a healthy state both physically and emotionally. TTC seemed somewhat contrite. Normal periods, ovulation cues each month, never used any OCPs in my life to persevere my natural state.

 And then, nothing happened.

 So we used the only thing we knew we had..our brains. We sought help from an amazing place and soon learned that all of our testing was normal. given great chances we began. natural iui, clomid iui, 3 medicated iuis, hyster/lap, shg, 4 ivf, 1 FET and nothing. completely nothing. which is how i feel today. like my insides are bare to the world and nothing makes sense.

 I gained strength from those blogs i read but soon most stories did not match mine. answers were found, success was had. I am hoping that the world will be as kind to me as I continue on my journey and ask you to follow. I promise to be honest and faithful. This will be my space to write what I need to. I have kept this journey relatively private from those closest to me as it has felt easier that way. I now would like those who do it and get it to maybe listen. Thank you for reading, the journey is still in progress.