Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve

Dear Santa (and lets face it..Dear God)

If you are out there, please send us a baby. We have eggs, sperm, and a healthy uterus and endless love. And we will do anything for one.


Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLW

Here are a few facts

mid 30s gal married to an amazing man who is in his late 40s. Our life is full of love and I feel lucky everyday to have him in my life.

unexplained IF, 5 iuis, 4 ivf and 1 FET. 2 barely CP after 2 ivfs. Our journey is like most, lots of treatment and no answers. We have done karotyping and have consulted with 3 different RE. All results indicate that nothing is wrong. We are strong people and are determined to persistently fight this battle until our baby is home.

Welcome and thanks for reading

Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Monday Thoughts

Blogging has been much harder than I thought. It seems that I have no time for myself or my life. I am sure most would agree. But the events on Friday made me realize today that I had to post. With the craziness of the holidays, both good and bad, we forget what we have in our on own life. Friday taught me that. It reminded me that the weekend previous, when I witnessed a father call his 4yr old daughter annoying as they were looking for a Christmas tree, that everyone should appreciate what they have today. Today I have my amazing husband and my health.

I also have infertility. And for some crazy reason, I appreciated it more this weekend. I know that I will hug my child each day and love them unconditionally. I also know that in life, even when it doesn't make sense, that every moment leads you to the place where are you are suppose to be. Its hard to say, its hard to hear, its hard to believe, but it is true. Infertility is leading me somewhere and I just cant wait to finally be there.

My husband and I have non technology nights during which we turn off all electronics and just be together. Some think we are crazy and cant believe at how little tv we watch. Before Friday it had been 10 days since I had watched any television. I realized last night as we sat quietly in front of our Christmas tree how much I value our time. we both have busy careers and once the week starts it is so hard to find that time. We held each other, talked, and we just BE. if that makes any sense? I realized how lucky I am as most of my friends' husbands would never do that with them as they complained to me all of the time and ask me how do I make him do it. I don't make him, he just wants to. And that hit me last night. We have never tired from wanting to be together. He never tires from supporting me. And last night when I told him that I could not explain the depth of my sadness but just that I wanted us to be in a different place in life. He turned to me and said we will get there. He never has given up. I don't always give him credit for that. He witnessed me, and of course went through as well,  do 4 ivf cycles in 10 months, we both sacrificed financially each day to make that possible. He supports me as I work my schedule to attend endless doctor appointments, or wait on a list for other doctors across the country. We have texted doctors, had phone conferences, written letters, scanned documents, all for the chance to build our family. Last night he thanked me for the effort. He reminded me that I am a strong person and without me he didn't know where his life would be. I love him endlessly and he will forever be my everything.

 In this new year I am promising to do everything possible to make his dreams come true. Appreciating what I have, and waiting patiently to get to where we were meant to be.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Winter Mornings

Woke up today to the sound of a snow plow. My usual thought would be to dread winter, but not today! Looked out the window and saw a beautiful blanket of white snow. It made me think of the holidays and I was wishing we were getting our tree today. Probably next week we will venture out and bring home a nice Frasier Fur!

 I loved Christmas as a child. My parents always went all out for the holiday. Christmas Eve was the  most magical day of the year. My grandfather would host the entire family at his house. It was an unreal night! We would take turns getting a present from youngest to oldest and sit in a special chair. He always had a way of getting you the most amazing gift. His house was tacked out in decorations and ornaments would be glued to each present. And I mean glue, like industrial stuff. It was fun, loud, at times chaotic, but I LOVED it. I have kept many of the ornaments over the years and now my parents do the same thing. We get ornaments every year, they are my most favorite gift. I love filling my tree with ornaments from them. I love that my parents do this for my siblings' kids as well. All of them have that same twinkle in their eye that me and my siblings had...and i am so glad.

What has been hard over the past several years is knowing how to spend Christmas. We live far from family so we end up traveling and  never have a holiday of our own. No one seems to understand this, except us. My husband thinks it is amplified by not having kids, I guess I agree. We are just suppose to travel, do Christmas on another day for us, and suck it up. Last year my cycle began on Christmas Day. I knew we would be doing IVF so I was somewhat excited. This Christmas will be here and I will be aware that it will make one year and way too many cycles. I am trying to prepare for that. We also made the decision, to leave my families house on Christmas Eve and travel home (nearly 3.5 hours) to our own home to have Christmas morning as a family. Because we are a family. No one likes to hear that, but 2 person families exists. We are our own identity. I am exhausted by explaining to family why we would want to be together and not just sleep at someone Else's house. Does this make sense to anyone else? Sadly my husband and I usually forgo gifts as we have so many to buy for others and we are never home. Even more sad the cost of IF has made gifts seem ridiculous. I know it bothers him that I don't want gifts. But I fear being put into debt and making us both feel worse about an already incredible difficult set of circumstances.

But as of today I have decided I am going to find my Holiday spirit. I am going to think of what it is about the holiday that is within my control and that i can enjoy. Two things are my tree: I go all out and I plan to this year; second my wrapping. I make homemade bows and take great pleasure in wrapping gifts. I might not have a baby to hold, or one if my belly to rub; but dammit there will be holiday bows, trees, and baking...and it will be fabulous.

Happy Holidays and Happy Saturday to All!

Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday Update

My apologies I have been wanting to blog sooner but the time, and my energy, is going fast these days. My repeat hysterscopy was Wednesday. At my clinic, conscious sedation is used, so I don't remember too much of the procedure. I did wake up halfway through the procedure, which was quite interesting! In the end I learned, as I always have, that everything looked beautiful...seriously those were the words used. UGH. to say I was relieved was true, but also kind of sad that again we have no answers. I kept asking over and over again what they found. Even today, my nurse called to follow up and I said was it the drugs or was everything really ok. She laughed and said that it was excellent. no abnormlities and a beautiful uterus. I should feel lucky, I have recovered fine. I didn't even need an Advil, almost like it never happened.

How does everyone handle this type of news? Am I strange for wanting them to find something? Some answer. I couldn't help but to ask myself tonight; what will it be like when this is over? when i no longer wonder why or when and I am driving home to my baby. I would pay anything for this to be over. if someone could just tell me what to do I would do it. But I am left with asking questions and getting no answers. My RE states it best" my advice is to make embryos and put them in your uterus". He is a huge believer in persistence. I feel as though 4ivfs in 10 months...hmmm ladies doesn't that sound persistent enough?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Next Steps

Hopefully everyone is winding down after a weekend of relaxation. This weekend is always hard for me. There is always a part of me that loves the start of the holiday season but also feels sad as well. Between the money, expectations, family tensions, and of course this journey it makes enjoying the holidays a little more challenging.

How does everyone else tackle this time of year?

 A part of me is excited that we are going to be starting another cycle again. On Wednesday we have our second hysterscopy to take a quick look. Craziness I know, but when everything is normal, one needs to make sure! Our first lap/hyster was in the Summer of 2011. I felt terribly guilty for putting my body through surgery only to learn they did not find one thing wrong. I know this is a good thing, but a part of me wishes that there was something there. Anyways, after that we have a endometrial biopsy scratch test planned. My clinic is trying to pull out all of the stops for us which i greatly appreciate.

I still struggle with one repeated thought: what if none of this is enough? I worry that I wont ask the right questions, ask for the right tests, right meds and this will never work. Funny how I am paying a place a small fortune yet i still blame and hold myself accountable for every part of this journey. Does this make sense to anyone else. My husband tries to tell me to trust the doctors that they will tell us what we need to do or if we have missed anything. How do you trust the world, when you have lost all trust in your own body to work normally? I suppose this is why i spend time reading and learning about new protocols and creating my own plan. It is the only thing that i have control over in this journey. In the end I want to be confident that I gave this everything I had, even if I fail.

Friday, November 23, 2012


I hope everyone had a great day yesterday with family and friends. I love fall and the holidays. Living on the east coast it is a beautiful time of year. I am incredibly thankful for many things.

1. My husband, my partner in life. The one thing I love blogs is that i get to hear good things about people in others' lives. My husband is no exception. He just amazes me. He has been on this journey with me the entire time. We make decisions about next steps together. His strength has amazed me. I think back to our last ER when the doctor asked him again if he wanted to be present in the room. On that day there was a shortage of a specific drug for anesthesia. After explaining that there was great possibility that the retrieval would be more traumatic as I might "feel" more than normal; he remained in the room holding my hand the entire time knowing that I would want every detail of how each possibility of life was retrieved. He still, after more shots than I want to recall, tears up after every injection and thanks me every single time.

2. my family and friends. most have no clue what we are going through. I must say that is part of the journey that I enjoy. I love my privacy and making difficult decisions has been easier between us. Regardless we feel their love each day. My nephew and nieces: my buggie and my butterflies (more on them to come). The fill my cup of life and damn near knock it over. My love for them is endless.

3. My nurse manager and my clinic. These people amaze me. Too many instances to recant but they go above and beyond and never seem to tire. emails, texting, hugs...their ability to be present in the moment is a gift from above. To my RE who answered his cell phone in the OR prior to surgery to answer a few more questions before a rock my world!

4.  my health. very simply my health is my obsession. I have lost a considerable amount of weight over the years. Most of my days now are spent eating as healthy as possible, exercising and generally making life choices so that my life leads into the direction that I want. I respect my health above most things and am thankful that my body has sustained the torture of multiple IVF cycles this year.

5. My cycle. Last year AF arrived on both Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, lovely I know. I am thankful that this year I didn't need a physical reminder of this failure in my life. I also am thankful that I get my period monthly, without intervention. I know many of many of women who struggle with irregular cycles, and pain. AF has always been good to me, regular and non traumatic. for that i am grateful as it makes this process so much easier.

I hope all of you had a great day. And for anyone reading who has experienced a loss recently, failed cycle, or is realizing that they will need to start this journey; my thoughts and prayers are with you. And for the many of us that are thankful for so many things in our life, but desperately want this journey to end and for our babies to join us..godspeed.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

A New Beginning

Sometimes you don't know where to begin.

Today is that moment.

I have lurked on blogs for nearly 2 years, while silently struggling myself. I began my infertility journey like most. We were optimistic and wanted to waste no time.

We waited, what seemed like years, to find one another and when we did it was magical. Life took some turns and I spent a year or so on myself. I got to a healthy state both physically and emotionally. TTC seemed somewhat contrite. Normal periods, ovulation cues each month, never used any OCPs in my life to persevere my natural state.

 And then, nothing happened.

 So we used the only thing we knew we had..our brains. We sought help from an amazing place and soon learned that all of our testing was normal. given great chances we began. natural iui, clomid iui, 3 medicated iuis, hyster/lap, shg, 4 ivf, 1 FET and nothing. completely nothing. which is how i feel today. like my insides are bare to the world and nothing makes sense.

 I gained strength from those blogs i read but soon most stories did not match mine. answers were found, success was had. I am hoping that the world will be as kind to me as I continue on my journey and ask you to follow. I promise to be honest and faithful. This will be my space to write what I need to. I have kept this journey relatively private from those closest to me as it has felt easier that way. I now would like those who do it and get it to maybe listen. Thank you for reading, the journey is still in progress.