Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve

Dear Santa (and lets face it..Dear God)

If you are out there, please send us a baby. We have eggs, sperm, and a healthy uterus and endless love. And we will do anything for one.


Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Welcome ICLW

Welcome ICLW

Here are a few facts

mid 30s gal married to an amazing man who is in his late 40s. Our life is full of love and I feel lucky everyday to have him in my life.

unexplained IF, 5 iuis, 4 ivf and 1 FET. 2 barely CP after 2 ivfs. Our journey is like most, lots of treatment and no answers. We have done karotyping and have consulted with 3 different RE. All results indicate that nothing is wrong. We are strong people and are determined to persistently fight this battle until our baby is home.

Welcome and thanks for reading

Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Monday Thoughts

Blogging has been much harder than I thought. It seems that I have no time for myself or my life. I am sure most would agree. But the events on Friday made me realize today that I had to post. With the craziness of the holidays, both good and bad, we forget what we have in our on own life. Friday taught me that. It reminded me that the weekend previous, when I witnessed a father call his 4yr old daughter annoying as they were looking for a Christmas tree, that everyone should appreciate what they have today. Today I have my amazing husband and my health.

I also have infertility. And for some crazy reason, I appreciated it more this weekend. I know that I will hug my child each day and love them unconditionally. I also know that in life, even when it doesn't make sense, that every moment leads you to the place where are you are suppose to be. Its hard to say, its hard to hear, its hard to believe, but it is true. Infertility is leading me somewhere and I just cant wait to finally be there.

My husband and I have non technology nights during which we turn off all electronics and just be together. Some think we are crazy and cant believe at how little tv we watch. Before Friday it had been 10 days since I had watched any television. I realized last night as we sat quietly in front of our Christmas tree how much I value our time. we both have busy careers and once the week starts it is so hard to find that time. We held each other, talked, and we just BE. if that makes any sense? I realized how lucky I am as most of my friends' husbands would never do that with them as they complained to me all of the time and ask me how do I make him do it. I don't make him, he just wants to. And that hit me last night. We have never tired from wanting to be together. He never tires from supporting me. And last night when I told him that I could not explain the depth of my sadness but just that I wanted us to be in a different place in life. He turned to me and said we will get there. He never has given up. I don't always give him credit for that. He witnessed me, and of course went through as well,  do 4 ivf cycles in 10 months, we both sacrificed financially each day to make that possible. He supports me as I work my schedule to attend endless doctor appointments, or wait on a list for other doctors across the country. We have texted doctors, had phone conferences, written letters, scanned documents, all for the chance to build our family. Last night he thanked me for the effort. He reminded me that I am a strong person and without me he didn't know where his life would be. I love him endlessly and he will forever be my everything.

 In this new year I am promising to do everything possible to make his dreams come true. Appreciating what I have, and waiting patiently to get to where we were meant to be.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Winter Mornings

Woke up today to the sound of a snow plow. My usual thought would be to dread winter, but not today! Looked out the window and saw a beautiful blanket of white snow. It made me think of the holidays and I was wishing we were getting our tree today. Probably next week we will venture out and bring home a nice Frasier Fur!

 I loved Christmas as a child. My parents always went all out for the holiday. Christmas Eve was the  most magical day of the year. My grandfather would host the entire family at his house. It was an unreal night! We would take turns getting a present from youngest to oldest and sit in a special chair. He always had a way of getting you the most amazing gift. His house was tacked out in decorations and ornaments would be glued to each present. And I mean glue, like industrial stuff. It was fun, loud, at times chaotic, but I LOVED it. I have kept many of the ornaments over the years and now my parents do the same thing. We get ornaments every year, they are my most favorite gift. I love filling my tree with ornaments from them. I love that my parents do this for my siblings' kids as well. All of them have that same twinkle in their eye that me and my siblings had...and i am so glad.

What has been hard over the past several years is knowing how to spend Christmas. We live far from family so we end up traveling and  never have a holiday of our own. No one seems to understand this, except us. My husband thinks it is amplified by not having kids, I guess I agree. We are just suppose to travel, do Christmas on another day for us, and suck it up. Last year my cycle began on Christmas Day. I knew we would be doing IVF so I was somewhat excited. This Christmas will be here and I will be aware that it will make one year and way too many cycles. I am trying to prepare for that. We also made the decision, to leave my families house on Christmas Eve and travel home (nearly 3.5 hours) to our own home to have Christmas morning as a family. Because we are a family. No one likes to hear that, but 2 person families exists. We are our own identity. I am exhausted by explaining to family why we would want to be together and not just sleep at someone Else's house. Does this make sense to anyone else? Sadly my husband and I usually forgo gifts as we have so many to buy for others and we are never home. Even more sad the cost of IF has made gifts seem ridiculous. I know it bothers him that I don't want gifts. But I fear being put into debt and making us both feel worse about an already incredible difficult set of circumstances.

But as of today I have decided I am going to find my Holiday spirit. I am going to think of what it is about the holiday that is within my control and that i can enjoy. Two things are my tree: I go all out and I plan to this year; second my wrapping. I make homemade bows and take great pleasure in wrapping gifts. I might not have a baby to hold, or one if my belly to rub; but dammit there will be holiday bows, trees, and baking...and it will be fabulous.

Happy Holidays and Happy Saturday to All!