In the moment

Thank you all for the messages and well wishes. I am here, still reading and still living. In my usual fashion I simply went to work on beta day and every day since. I worked more and harder than I should but that is who I am. I wish I could be the one who stays home, in bed, cries, eats what they want but I can not let myself. But man would it be nice.

My husband and I have done much talking over the past few days and the reality is we do not know where we are going in this journey. There is no guidebook and no predictor of what will happen. If someone were to tell me that if i did 10 ivfs i would be a mom than i would sign up now. but that is not reality. There is no way of knowing.

A part of me has started to wonder if i was doomed to have a sick or ill baby. am i being spared from something? I thought about this recently when I met a follow Vet IVFer who told me that she was starting to feel as though her eggs were bad and that her child would be very ill. she asked me if she was being spared from that. and it made me think. alot. I envy those who could parent any child. and maybe that is not me and god is punishing me. who the heck knows?!

For now, I am going to try to just be in the moment. I adore my husband who has never left my side through this and who continues to thank me daily for the sacrifices I have made to endure such medical treatment continuously. I love our life together and wish that felt like enough; but for both of us it is not. and that is where we are at ladies.

If anyone has any advice on next steps or how you knew it was time to stop, take a break, do donor eggs, or whatever else has healed your heart please let me know.

Happy Monday!

failure

BFN

seriously, what else is new right. You would think after 5 ivfs and now another iui  I would get use to it. But I am not. I felt numb all day and just angry. I have had enough. Seriously not even a damn chemical. I had 6 follicles for this iui?! anyway I basically told my husband that life sucks right now. I am not going to pretend to be happy when I am not.

I did not even take the sappy clinic phone call I was in no mood. I have no next steps and honestly I am really starting to wonder if this will ever happen.

waiting

I have been wanting to write but I do not have much to say. My test is Wednesday and life seems to have been so busy I really have not thought about the test as much. My husband and  I have both agreed that this cycle was so much easier. Maybe it is the less money spent, or the time, I am not sure but it has been easier on us. My husband remarked today that he feels that it didn't work. I reminded him of the low success rate of injectable IUI so he would not feel so bad. He said that I had not said much and that he feels if it worked I would have symptoms. I reminded him that IF treatment is all about having fake symptoms. Between the PIO, crinone, lovenox, dexamtheasone I have stuff going on but I refuse to get my hopes up. It is pretty cute as I think he still thinks that women should get instant morning sickness and like magic pregnancy hits.


Anyway I have been reading blogs daily. It is awesome reading where everyone is at right now. Some preggers, some starting, some gearing up for one more try. I am thinking of everyone and just sending positive thoughts to the universe. I will be back on Wednesday, but because I am insanely cheap I don't test ahead of time so I will know at some point Wednesday.

Happy Monday!

Stuffed

This is the only word i could think of to describe how I feel. I have never experienced OHSS, but this chick has something brewing. My last appt my E2 was over 3300. Impressive for this possible, too many cycles in a year chick if I say so myself! My dose was slightly lowered my last night and then i triggered the next day. I always get super constipated after retrievals. But since this was an IUI I was just not expecting it.

I have tried collace one time a day, but not much is happening. My whole body hurts and worse off so does my self esteem. I use to be about 80lbs heavier years ago so any sense of fullness puts me over the edge. my husband has tried to comfort me but that is not helping. Does anyone have any other tricks to make this better? I will probably call my nurse manager tomorrow as I dont think things are severe, but I want some relief in the meantime. Also, has anyone ever had this after IUI. This started literally at ovulation and has not stopped and now i am on PIO and crinone so you know with progesterone it will only get  worse.

Other than that I have been trying to not think too much about this cycle. if it fails it fails, the only thing it cost me was the cost of sperm. Let me not downplay that costs but after 5ivfs that felt like a nickle candy purchase.

I hope everyone is doing well~

It Day

sorry for the lack of writing. I have not had as much time this go around. and I must admit going back to an IUI has been soooo much easier than the stress of IVF that I have enjoyed my time. But today is the day. My body is ready! I am very thankful that after so many cycles I had a great response to meds for an IUI. I know the chances of it working are slim, but at this point 5 rounds of ivf gave me nothing so what can I lose!

Anyway, please wish me luck. I have been still reading all of my blogs. Please know that I am thinking of you all. some who had recent failures and others who are gearing up to cycle.

Be back this weekend with some sort of update!

Boston Pride

I grew up right outside of Boston. The events yesterday have literally rocked my world. My day started yesterday by checking in with FB and watching a video of my brother in law at the start line with my 2 nieces and nephew. A tradition they have done for the past 7 years. He is an avid runner and lives for this event. He is also a teacher who was enjoying the start of a well earned spring break. My husband had called me at work, as I have no internet access, and told me of the events not knowing that our family were there. The next 12 minutes both of us tried to reach everyone in our family and could not. In those minutes I could not cry, breathe or think. All I could think was please god let nothing happen to them. Finally, my husband called and I told him to go back on FB; he did and my bother in law had posted a message that everyone was safe. On most days I hate FB and am relieved to not have internet access during the day to avoid the general grandstanding that happens on there.  But yesterday the imagination of social media brought me gratitude. Cell phones had shut down and given he had posted a video of his family at the race, even more people were calling to make sure they were ok. Social media was one of the main reasons most people were able to get a message out. I am so grateful.


As the day progressed I could not help but to think where my life was at. I spent the morning at a monitoring appointment. Worrying about this and or that. Does this all matter? Do I want to bring a child into this world knowing that there is pure evil. My heart is aching for those families who lost someone and or who are seriously injured. I feel uneasy, on edge, and very unsure. I am spending my time and money towards a possibility of maybe having a child. My energy is completely absorbed by it. Am I wasting my time? Should I appreciate what I have? I also know that if I were a mother, I could not be as brave as some were and run to help others. I would grab my kids and run. I know it is awful, but watching the footage i envy those who don't think of them self first. That is not me. My instinct would be to get me and my family safe. Horrible I know. I just pray that these events stop in our world. It is too much, it is too close. I worry for the children being born that this world has become pure evil and this is how they will need to live.

Boston-in my heart today and always.

It is on!

Started stims today. sadly it feels like no time has passed. I am oddly excited this month. maybe because we are doing an IUI and the stress of the appointments is gone with no ivf. I am feeling refreshed and less stressed. this is a great thing.

I have spoken about my favorite rn before. but i need to say i am inspired by her. despite my numerous failures she has been able to get my spirit up. she never stops answering my questions and is so supportive.

we are in the process of ordering DS. that is a whole other adventure. it is odd that i cannot get over how crazy this process is. just when you think you are prepared there is more to do every day! more forms, more errors on the forms, this task never ends. my favorite part of the week was when i asked my husband if he is concerned with using a donor. he just simply reassures me that he will be a dad and that is all that he cares about. I adore this man! normal SA, but given our genetic matching he is willing to give it all up for me. I said to him tonight that it is still very hard for me. coming from someone who has experienced true medical drama I have never given up on anything. It feels like I am giving up, he has reminded me that we are moving forward. How did I get so lucky?!

So if there are any prayers left, please keep me in your thoughts. cycle number gazillion and one is starting and I need all of the help that I can get!