Monday, May 13, 2013

In the moment

Thank you all for the messages and well wishes. I am here, still reading and still living. In my usual fashion I simply went to work on beta day and every day since. I worked more and harder than I should but that is who I am. I wish I could be the one who stays home, in bed, cries, eats what they want but I can not let myself. But man would it be nice.

My husband and I have done much talking over the past few days and the reality is we do not know where we are going in this journey. There is no guidebook and no predictor of what will happen. If someone were to tell me that if i did 10 ivfs i would be a mom than i would sign up now. but that is not reality. There is no way of knowing.

A part of me has started to wonder if i was doomed to have a sick or ill baby. am i being spared from something? I thought about this recently when I met a follow Vet IVFer who told me that she was starting to feel as though her eggs were bad and that her child would be very ill. she asked me if she was being spared from that. and it made me think. alot. I envy those who could parent any child. and maybe that is not me and god is punishing me. who the heck knows?!

For now, I am going to try to just be in the moment. I adore my husband who has never left my side through this and who continues to thank me daily for the sacrifices I have made to endure such medical treatment continuously. I love our life together and wish that felt like enough; but for both of us it is not. and that is where we are at ladies.

If anyone has any advice on next steps or how you knew it was time to stop, take a break, do donor eggs, or whatever else has healed your heart please let me know.

Happy Monday!

12 comments:

  1. I wish I had some answers for you... but I am asking myself the same questions. Just know that you are not alone my friend.

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    1. thank you..i know you are in the same boat

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  2. Same here asking the same question everyday. We are all in this journey hun. Faith and hope to all of us!

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  3. I am so sorry. It's never easy. Have you been tested for any auto immune disorders or blood clotting issues that could keep an embryo from implanting? Just a thought.

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    1. i have done all of the clotting and rpl panel; all is normal but i still take levonox with each cycle as that is my clinic protocol for repeat failures.

      my husband and i paid oop for an RI; his tx would have risked my life and my poetential child so we did not pursue. my current re uses dexamethasone and intralipids which i have done both many of many of times. what other autoimmune stuff exists? i feel like i have done it all but please share.

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  4. We're on a bit of a forced break right now (to give my DHEA time to work) and I have to say it's been really nice. If you are feeling really worn out, I'd recommend even a month off, if you can afford the time. Sorry that things are so hard for you right now.

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    1. thank you; we have done breaks before and i only enjoy them slightly. with our jobs we might be forced a break

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  5. First of all, God is not punishing you - not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind about myself a few times. When I had my miscarriage, it took me a bit to wrap my brain around the fact tha God probably did answer our prayers. We were praying for a healthy baby. As it turned out, ours would have been very very sick since it had Trisomy 18.

    As for moving on, we chose to go the donor egg route because it was so slim to ever get pregnant with my own eggs. It was something we never thought we would do, but when it came down to it, we wanted to be parents and I wanted to experience being pregnant. We ended up using my sister as an egg donor, but not without debate of using an anonymous donor. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you. We took last summer off before making our final decision moving forward. Unfortunately, even with donor eggs, there is no guatantee. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

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  6. thank you so very much for your honesty!

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  7. i've been thinking about you and saying many prayers. there were many times i said the same thing - "if someone told me if i did this/that x amount of times and i would have a baby, i would do it." i can very much understand your words.
    after our fifth loss, and almost another year of trying, steve and i took some time to just breathe. it was then that we realized we were ready to move to donor. it took so much time and soul searching...but we wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
    sending so much love your way. <3<3

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    1. thank you, maria you continue to inspire me

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