Hopefully everyone is winding down after a weekend of relaxation. This weekend is always hard for me. There is always a part of me that loves the start of the holiday season but also feels sad as well. Between the money, expectations, family tensions, and of course this journey it makes enjoying the holidays a little more challenging.
How does everyone else tackle this time of year?
A part of me is excited that we are going to be starting another cycle again. On Wednesday we have our second hysterscopy to take a quick look. Craziness I know, but when everything is normal, one needs to make sure! Our first lap/hyster was in the Summer of 2011. I felt terribly guilty for putting my body through surgery only to learn they did not find one thing wrong. I know this is a good thing, but a part of me wishes that there was something there. Anyways, after that we have a endometrial biopsy scratch test planned. My clinic is trying to pull out all of the stops for us which i greatly appreciate.
I still struggle with one repeated thought: what if none of this is enough? I worry that I wont ask the right questions, ask for the right tests, right meds and this will never work. Funny how I am paying a place a small fortune yet i still blame and hold myself accountable for every part of this journey. Does this make sense to anyone else. My husband tries to tell me to trust the doctors that they will tell us what we need to do or if we have missed anything. How do you trust the world, when you have lost all trust in your own body to work normally? I suppose this is why i spend time reading and learning about new protocols and creating my own plan. It is the only thing that i have control over in this journey. In the end I want to be confident that I gave this everything I had, even if I fail.