Hopefully everyone is winding down after a weekend of relaxation. This weekend is always hard for me. There is always a part of me that loves the start of the holiday season but also feels sad as well. Between the money, expectations, family tensions, and of course this journey it makes enjoying the holidays a little more challenging.
How does everyone else tackle this time of year?
A part of me is excited that we are going to be starting another cycle again. On Wednesday we have our second hysterscopy to take a quick look. Craziness I know, but when everything is normal, one needs to make sure! Our first lap/hyster was in the Summer of 2011. I felt terribly guilty for putting my body through surgery only to learn they did not find one thing wrong. I know this is a good thing, but a part of me wishes that there was something there. Anyways, after that we have a endometrial biopsy scratch test planned. My clinic is trying to pull out all of the stops for us which i greatly appreciate.
I still struggle with one repeated thought: what if none of this is enough? I worry that I wont ask the right questions, ask for the right tests, right meds and this will never work. Funny how I am paying a place a small fortune yet i still blame and hold myself accountable for every part of this journey. Does this make sense to anyone else. My husband tries to tell me to trust the doctors that they will tell us what we need to do or if we have missed anything. How do you trust the world, when you have lost all trust in your own body to work normally? I suppose this is why i spend time reading and learning about new protocols and creating my own plan. It is the only thing that i have control over in this journey. In the end I want to be confident that I gave this everything I had, even if I fail.
I used to blame myself for infertility even though it was nothing I could control - chemotherapy wrecked my body. I think it is normal to feel this way, infertility can really wreck a persons spirit :(
ReplyDeleteAround the holidays... let's see... my family used to go above and beyond - we'd buy gifts for EVERYONE. These last few years, we scaled it down and we focus on the ones that are close by. I used to spend way too much money and focus on gifts. After being diagnosed with cancer, we decided to focus on ourselves and family and being ALIVE! The gifts aren't important. :)
Xoxo - Kayla
ICLW #52
so well said. my husband and i usually dont exchange gifts as we always feel like we have what we need. you remind us all that health is what matters the most! thank you
ReplyDeleteI am almost in the same boat. I think in January I am going to ask my doctor to do a lap, checking for tubal blockage and anything else that may be causing us not to get pregnant. Seems like every test we have, nothing shows up.
ReplyDeleteYour last line is exactly how I felt through my pregnancies and losses. I know some people think it's crazy, but I think it's healthy to be able to look back and know that whatever happens, you did everything in your power to have a good outcome.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from ICLW.
thank you, i am glad someone feels the same way..i wont forgive myself unless i try everything possible...and i pretty much have. it stinks risking your life at times for a chance and that is basically what i have done with meds, procedures, and other experimental stuff
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