Thursday, February 7, 2013

Failure

Thank you all so much for your support. The past two days have been the hardest to date. As I predicted my beta was completely negative. I am so glad that I tested early, it made yesterday more of a formality than anything else.

My husband and I had a phone consult with the director of our clinic late tonight. Yes, the man does phone calls at like 8pm at night, it truly is amazing. I finally lost it on the phone with him. I cried. Maybe I am in denial, I dont know, but I can not believe where I am today. He is usually the king of optimism and will say things like it is all about persistence. But not tonight. That is what was so hard. He told me that I am, and will always be in the category of unexplained. My fsh fluctuates between 5.5 and 7 every month since I started 2 years ago. How friggin sad is that? Normal FSH and I cant even get 1 baby out of the highest of technology.

He basically told me that I can consider donor eggs. That in the end it is more about egg quality than anything else. That the world is imperfect and that even with lab values they dont know who will be successful and who will not. He has patients with really high fsh and those like me who are normal and don't succeed. Of course I know this but it was still hard to hear. I have had many of conversations with him and he usually tells me to keep going and or tells me an amazing story of a patient who did 8 ivfs and ended up with a baby. Tonight he felt defeated as well and that is what made me feel sad. My husband tried to comfort me by telling me that he had to be that way given how persistent I have been. 5 ivfs and 1 fet in 13 months. My husband basically said he would have been crazy to give me the persistence speech at this point. I guess he is right, although it was still hard to not have him cheering us on. He did tell me that he will support any decision that we make. But I need to be honest, doing another ivf with cgh is expensive as is donor eggs. How pathetically sad that all of this comes down to money, but it does. The world is about money and we are very out of money at this point. My husband and I also promised ourselves a long time ago that we would not go into debt to have a child. I really, if nothing else, want to commit to that. To end this journey with debt will just make me feel even sadder than I already feel today.

So that is where I am at. I work up and decided to blog because I just cant sleep. I found myself crying in my sleep. I dont even know how to grieve this. My body feels like it has been hit by a truck. I will never understand why I deserved this or why anyone should. But I have to find my way back. right now I feel lost, irreconcilable to myself . If i do donor eggs I will need to have energy to do that, and right now I have nothing except the biggest most horrible feeling in my heart. My first thought when I woke up was that this is like the feeling you get when something horrible happens in your life and or when someone has died. there is that minute that things feel ok and then when you are fully awake the sadness hits you hard. that is how I feel right now. And i have no clue how to make this better and or find the way out. I hope I find my way back soon. I feel sad, alone, and confused. My blog, my husband, and the little energy i have left will have to keep me going.

Thanks for listening.

14 comments:

  1. i am so incredibly sorry. you haven't left my prayers. you are so strong and i admire your honesty. sending love and prayers for peace. <3<3

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  2. maria you are such a sweet and wonderful woman. thank you so much!

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  3. Oh how I know that first-thing-in-the-morning horrible feeling. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It just doesn't make any sense at all. I'm thinking of you.

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    1. thank you so very much. i appreciate it

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  4. You definitely do NOT deserve this! You have every right to have that feeling of grief, as if someone has died, because in a sense it is true. It's our hope for children that has died. It's our dreams of having a family. It's coming to terms with the idea of no kids in your future. I understand and I get it because I feel like that, especially most recently. I really, really try to find the positives in my life, and what I have learned from all of this, what I might not have if it weren't for this experience.

    I get the whole out of money part too. I would love to keep going until we got our baby, but the fact is, we already did go into debt for this. It is just too expensive. I'm glad for you that you have been able to do all this so far without debt. That part is awesome! Small condolence I'm sure.

    Just know I totally understand. I get where you are coming from. I struggle almost daily with the idea of what the future DOESN'T have in store for us. I am sending you a lot of virtual love and hugs. Hang in there. If you need/want to talk more, my email is pantheramber@gmail.com

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    1. i have no words for the gratitude that i feel. thank you for your beautiful message and your email

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  5. I am so sorry. You have been through so much this year and you will need time to heal. We are all hear for you.

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  6. I am so heartbroken for you. I wish there was something to say to console you. Glad you have a supportive husband. XOXO

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  7. You don't deserve this. None of us deserve this. Sadly, it's the crappy hand we've been dealt. Take time to grieve. I am so sorry for all you have been through this year.

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  8. Sending love and hoping you're feeling better and better. Lots of love and wishes for a relaxing weekend! Xoxo
    Maria

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  9. thanks maria. i plan on posting this weekend. had a fup meeting with my re and am feeling re charged. you must be counting the weeks and minutes now..it is getting so close! cant wait to see pics of your precious angel

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