Failure

Thank you all so much for your support. The past two days have been the hardest to date. As I predicted my beta was completely negative. I am so glad that I tested early, it made yesterday more of a formality than anything else.

My husband and I had a phone consult with the director of our clinic late tonight. Yes, the man does phone calls at like 8pm at night, it truly is amazing. I finally lost it on the phone with him. I cried. Maybe I am in denial, I dont know, but I can not believe where I am today. He is usually the king of optimism and will say things like it is all about persistence. But not tonight. That is what was so hard. He told me that I am, and will always be in the category of unexplained. My fsh fluctuates between 5.5 and 7 every month since I started 2 years ago. How friggin sad is that? Normal FSH and I cant even get 1 baby out of the highest of technology.

He basically told me that I can consider donor eggs. That in the end it is more about egg quality than anything else. That the world is imperfect and that even with lab values they dont know who will be successful and who will not. He has patients with really high fsh and those like me who are normal and don't succeed. Of course I know this but it was still hard to hear. I have had many of conversations with him and he usually tells me to keep going and or tells me an amazing story of a patient who did 8 ivfs and ended up with a baby. Tonight he felt defeated as well and that is what made me feel sad. My husband tried to comfort me by telling me that he had to be that way given how persistent I have been. 5 ivfs and 1 fet in 13 months. My husband basically said he would have been crazy to give me the persistence speech at this point. I guess he is right, although it was still hard to not have him cheering us on. He did tell me that he will support any decision that we make. But I need to be honest, doing another ivf with cgh is expensive as is donor eggs. How pathetically sad that all of this comes down to money, but it does. The world is about money and we are very out of money at this point. My husband and I also promised ourselves a long time ago that we would not go into debt to have a child. I really, if nothing else, want to commit to that. To end this journey with debt will just make me feel even sadder than I already feel today.

So that is where I am at. I work up and decided to blog because I just cant sleep. I found myself crying in my sleep. I dont even know how to grieve this. My body feels like it has been hit by a truck. I will never understand why I deserved this or why anyone should. But I have to find my way back. right now I feel lost, irreconcilable to myself . If i do donor eggs I will need to have energy to do that, and right now I have nothing except the biggest most horrible feeling in my heart. My first thought when I woke up was that this is like the feeling you get when something horrible happens in your life and or when someone has died. there is that minute that things feel ok and then when you are fully awake the sadness hits you hard. that is how I feel right now. And i have no clue how to make this better and or find the way out. I hope I find my way back soon. I feel sad, alone, and confused. My blog, my husband, and the little energy i have left will have to keep me going.

Thanks for listening.