Tuesday, February 5, 2013

caving in

so I caved in and tested. completely negative. yup. that is right. 5th ivf cycle, no answers, 6 day 5 embryos and we are left with nothing. i feel like nothing short of a loser at this point. who does this 5 times without a diagnosis to end up with nothing. mostly i feel stupid for being so positive, like i have been told to do by my clinic, to end up with the same result. i feel like a complete idiot.sorry the positivity shit ends today, i am a realist and that is how i am going to be from this point further. i cant keep my head in the clouds any further.

I know i can do ivf again. here is alittle secret; i should not have to. i find ivf very easy is so many ways. needles, medical stuff none of that phases me. i have a great response each time. you know what phases me. the shit that this has brought into my life. the vacations i cant take in case its retrieval day, the lies i have to say at work to get time off to keep some amount of privacy, and the money that i have literally wasted over the past 2 years to end up with nothing.

my poor husband he is going to be devastated. sadly he keeps the hope up for us throughout the whole wait. i tried to convince myself every cycle is different. the reality is that i had no symptoms; guess what that equals no baby. my clinic always says dont test early. i am tired of listening to that. those tests are sensitive and if i had any hcg left in me it would have showed up. sorry i look at pee tests constantly on blogs..the lines appear when you are pregnant.

I just think I need to face that this is not going to happen and that I need to move on. perseverance is one thing, self torture is ridiculous.


  1. You shouldn't feel stupid for being positive and thinking this cycle would have worked. It should have. Your embryos were wonderful and not many people get 6 day embryos. I hate there is not reason why it didn't. I also agree with you about the pee sticks. Now a days they can pick up below 10 and I hated when my clinic said the same thing. I have also seen cases where it didn't pick up on home test and the beta was positive. So it is a grey area.

    Just know I am thinking of you and hoping for some answers.

  2. Thanks Toni. Trust me i know you of all gets this crap. Thanks for the thoughts; I need and appreciate the support right now.

  3. I'm so so sorry. Don't feel stupid for being hopeful. I wish there was something I could say...do...
    You are in my thoughts. Xoxox

  4. I am so sorry hun. This is never easy. Your in my prayers.

  5. I'm so sorry!
    Don't feel stupid for being hopeful and positive. One of those cycles should have worked. I wish they could give you an answer, an explanation, something to work with.
    Please know that you are in my thoughts.

  6. I am so sorry. You are not stupid for feeling positive. It's why we keep doing this- we hope it will finally work this time. You had every reason to think it might work. I wish you could get some answers for why it isn't working.

  7. I'm sorry to hear this. Positive thinking is the only way to get through this, and it sucks to be let down all the time. I hope you guys can find some answers.

  8. I agree, you shouldn't feel stupid. If we didn't have at least a small smidgen of hope, we wouldn't put ourselves through all this heartache. Even when I got my positive pregnancy and even after hearing a strong heartbeat, I still had trouble believing it was real. And then look what happened. We lost our baby and I was right not to get too attached and believe it could be real. Yet I still hope, even at the same time I don't believe at all our FET cycle is going to work. I still hope.

    It sucks. It really really does and I am so sorry. Just know you are not alone and you can complain, cry, and vent to all of us as much as you want to!

    1. your words are so touching. thank you so much for taking the time particularly given what you are going through

  9. Just your hubby here...today sucks. There is no other way to describe it.

    I will say, if i have to be on this journey, there isn't anyone else i'd rather be with than you.

    You are my strength and inspiration and together, our dreams will someday be realized.