Tuesday, February 5, 2013

caving in

so I caved in and tested. completely negative. yup. that is right. 5th ivf cycle, no answers, 6 day 5 embryos and we are left with nothing. i feel like nothing short of a loser at this point. who does this 5 times without a diagnosis to end up with nothing. mostly i feel stupid for being so positive, like i have been told to do by my clinic, to end up with the same result. i feel like a complete idiot.sorry the positivity shit ends today, i am a realist and that is how i am going to be from this point further. i cant keep my head in the clouds any further.

I know i can do ivf again. here is alittle secret; i should not have to. i find ivf very easy is so many ways. needles, medical stuff none of that phases me. i have a great response each time. you know what phases me. the shit that this has brought into my life. the vacations i cant take in case its retrieval day, the lies i have to say at work to get time off to keep some amount of privacy, and the money that i have literally wasted over the past 2 years to end up with nothing.

my poor husband he is going to be devastated. sadly he keeps the hope up for us throughout the whole wait. i tried to convince myself every cycle is different. the reality is that i had no symptoms; guess what that equals no baby. my clinic always says dont test early. i am tired of listening to that. those tests are sensitive and if i had any hcg left in me it would have showed up. sorry i look at pee tests constantly on blogs..the lines appear when you are pregnant.

I just think I need to face that this is not going to happen and that I need to move on. perseverance is one thing, self torture is ridiculous.

16 comments:

  1. You shouldn't feel stupid for being positive and thinking this cycle would have worked. It should have. Your embryos were wonderful and not many people get 6 day embryos. I hate there is not reason why it didn't. I also agree with you about the pee sticks. Now a days they can pick up below 10 and I hated when my clinic said the same thing. I have also seen cases where it didn't pick up on home test and the beta was positive. So it is a grey area.

    Just know I am thinking of you and hoping for some answers.

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  2. Thanks Toni. Trust me i know you of all gets this crap. Thanks for the thoughts; I need and appreciate the support right now.

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  3. I'm so so sorry. Don't feel stupid for being hopeful. I wish there was something I could say...do...
    You are in my thoughts. Xoxox
    Maria

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  4. I am so sorry hun. This is never easy. Your in my prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry!
    Don't feel stupid for being hopeful and positive. One of those cycles should have worked. I wish they could give you an answer, an explanation, something to work with.
    Please know that you are in my thoughts.

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  6. I am so sorry. You are not stupid for feeling positive. It's why we keep doing this- we hope it will finally work this time. You had every reason to think it might work. I wish you could get some answers for why it isn't working.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear this. Positive thinking is the only way to get through this, and it sucks to be let down all the time. I hope you guys can find some answers.

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  8. I agree, you shouldn't feel stupid. If we didn't have at least a small smidgen of hope, we wouldn't put ourselves through all this heartache. Even when I got my positive pregnancy and even after hearing a strong heartbeat, I still had trouble believing it was real. And then look what happened. We lost our baby and I was right not to get too attached and believe it could be real. Yet I still hope, even at the same time I don't believe at all our FET cycle is going to work. I still hope.

    It sucks. It really really does and I am so sorry. Just know you are not alone and you can complain, cry, and vent to all of us as much as you want to!

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    Replies
    1. your words are so touching. thank you so much for taking the time particularly given what you are going through

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  9. Just your hubby here...today sucks. There is no other way to describe it.

    I will say, if i have to be on this journey, there isn't anyone else i'd rather be with than you.

    You are my strength and inspiration and together, our dreams will someday be realized.

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