caving in

so I caved in and tested. completely negative. yup. that is right. 5th ivf cycle, no answers, 6 day 5 embryos and we are left with nothing. i feel like nothing short of a loser at this point. who does this 5 times without a diagnosis to end up with nothing. mostly i feel stupid for being so positive, like i have been told to do by my clinic, to end up with the same result. i feel like a complete idiot.sorry the positivity shit ends today, i am a realist and that is how i am going to be from this point further. i cant keep my head in the clouds any further.

I know i can do ivf again. here is alittle secret; i should not have to. i find ivf very easy is so many ways. needles, medical stuff none of that phases me. i have a great response each time. you know what phases me. the shit that this has brought into my life. the vacations i cant take in case its retrieval day, the lies i have to say at work to get time off to keep some amount of privacy, and the money that i have literally wasted over the past 2 years to end up with nothing.

my poor husband he is going to be devastated. sadly he keeps the hope up for us throughout the whole wait. i tried to convince myself every cycle is different. the reality is that i had no symptoms; guess what that equals no baby. my clinic always says dont test early. i am tired of listening to that. those tests are sensitive and if i had any hcg left in me it would have showed up. sorry i look at pee tests constantly on blogs..the lines appear when you are pregnant.

I just think I need to face that this is not going to happen and that I need to move on. perseverance is one thing, self torture is ridiculous.