waiting

4dp5dt. Nothing. I feel nothing. I always want to feel a sign and really wanted to this time. I just feel tired and kind of crampy from the enormous amounts of crinone inside of me. Can anyone tell me if they have ever felt signs?

I am also trying to remain positive but have already accepted that there is a possibility that I will have to do this again and maybe again after that.

I just want it to be over and to be pregnant. I do positive thinking, I am grateful for what I have. But this level of treatment without success borders on cruel.

It is going to be a long week until beta on Wednesday!

On Board!

Embies are home where they need to be. It was a very long weekend as I woke up on Saturday ill and with a fever. I don't know about anyone else but I feel enormous pressure for my cycle to go perfectly and it seems that I am never sick until I have something major going on. I guess that is life. I called the clinic and they had me take Tylenol to bring down the fever. I generally don't need to take anything after retrievals, but I did it as I wanted nothing to screw up my transfer. I am just going to pray that this does not mess up my chances. But it also reminds me that I can't control everything in life.

This might sound strange. But I do not POAS. I know, its crazy five ivfs and I just do not do it. No I don't love the surprise, for me it comes down to money. I feel like I have spent enough time and money on this process that I do not buy any more supplies so to speak. I also have always had this weird feeling that I will just know if I am pregnant. I might consider it this time around, but probably not. For now I am going to focus on positive thoughts only and just enjoy the accomplishments from this cycle. I feel as though we did everything we were asked to do, more acupuncture, less dairy, endo biopsy, HGH (a very small fortune), support groups, not thinking about it too much, relaxing..you ladies know the deal. My husband said it perfectly; he reminded me that I did everything humanly possible for this cycle to work. He is really trying to think positive and yesterday after the transfer he took a cell pic of the US screen and remarked that he was starting the baby book. adorable!

Thank  you ladies for all of your support. I know some of you are experiencing losses right now and others are in the mist of cycles. You are all in my thoughts. I pray daily that this journey brings us all the endings we deserve.

Update

100 percent fertilization! Thank you god! 5 day transfer set. and for now I am going to think about those embies growing! Life is good.

Retrieval

Retrieval went well. I have been reading a lot about posting numbers and have decided to not post any numbers. I will say that I was lucky enough to have every follicle have an egg. At this point I will take that! My expectation was pretty low today so to end the day feeling positive is where I need to be right now.

I did have an odd part of the day. we arrived to the clinic early so my husband could provide his sample. I began to get really nervous, which I never do. We waited awhile, although they were not busy and I just started to have all sorts of questions. what if i ovulated early? what if they don't bring him in the room? it was insane stuff. The nurse was not overly helpful and even asked me what day was day 1. Hello. here we are at retrieval. my clinic is entirely electronic and has a flowsheet with all information per cycle. and in fact patients have access to it so i know damn well what is there. all i thought was great i get the lazy nurse today. when she put my hr monitor on my hr was at 100. i think the anxiety was getting to me and my husband tried to relax me. when my RE came in, who is just the most positive person, i broke down and for the first time through an ivf cycle I cried in front of him. I told him I didn't know why but i was nervous today. and he said the most magical thing to me. "You are normal". He hugged me and reminded me of positive thinking for the day. I said outloud what I felt; that i was happy that he was there. There was a part of me that was worried that something was going to happen to me. I still don't know where this came from, but it was there. And it was real. Thankfully, my friend the anesthesiologist came in and we got to the good part. my heart rate lowered soon thereafter. Luckily I realized later that I was dehydrated between the long drive last night, no fluids, and only 4 hrs of sleep my body kicked in.

Anyway, I want to thank many of you for your thoughts and prayers. I felt your presence today and clearly I needed it.

Ready

quick update. ER to be on wed! Did an acupuncture session on Saturday morning and knew by today my body was ready. trigger tonight and then heading out Tuesday night! I could not help but to pray last night that it could be my last time ever taking meds. I really hope so! One of my favorite nurses gave me a pep talk reminding me how lucky that I am that my body still responds to meds given the number of cycles. I am going to focus on that and just hope we get one lucky one!

Thanks for all of the well wishes...I will be back later in the week!

an award

ok 2 posts in one day.but i got nominated for an award from Jen at http://overworkedovaries.blogspot.com. The Liebster Blog. This is amazing, since I am clueless on blogging! Thanks Jen!

Her questions

1. What's your biggest guilty pleasure? beyond exercise, I love getting massaged. my husband gives me daily foot rubs. I am one lucky gal
2. Snacks...salty or sweet? neither but if i have to say so salty
3. What's your favorite book? this is really hard. I would have to say taste of the blackberries. it is a children's book which shaped my life on grief.
4. How did you meet your spouse? on line..it was the riskiest thing i did with the greatest reward
5. What's the scariest thing you've ever done? 5 ivfs in a year. seriously, enough said.
6. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? amazing question.  khloe kardashian...crazy i know.
7. Do you have any hobbies? i love baking, wrapping presents, and pilates!
8. Do you prefer the city or the country? city girl here
9. What is the farthest place you have ever traveled to? Italy. it was devine
10. Do you have pets? no
11. What was your first job? research assistant. boring job, great people and led me to the place that i needed to be

questions about me

 

1. Biggest regret? I regret not having more confidence in my 20s. 
2. favorite food? seriously quinoa..i am addicted to it
3. favorite thing about myself. I am a good caring person. the older i get the more i realize few people care about others
4. why i will make a good m om. because my life will be dedicated to my baby. i cant wait to love him or her
5. my favorite person in the world? my oldest niece, she rocks my world
6. one thing that no one knows about me? I pray and meditate every day. even more so now.
7. what has been the best part of this journey? realizing that i am a stronger person and even stronger than i ever imagined.
8. favorite moment of the week? opening my lunch today and finding a note on a napkin from my DH. the last line read you are my hero. he is my world, my everything. I will risk my life, and kind of already have, to make him a father.
9. can i keep a secret? this i am amazing at. my hubbie calls me a vault
10. the last time i felt relaxed? holiday baking time..i was in the zone
11. the one thing that i will say after i give birth? beyond bonding with my baby. all i visualize is me crying and saying its over. the battle, the shots, the lack of answers, surgery, drugs...its over and knowing that a new amazing thing is starting

Pushing on

Everything went well today. Slept through my infusion and then raced back to work to finish a 12 hour day. I cannot wait for this stuff to be over, I am so tired of racing back and forth between appointments, calling a pharmacy, and trying to maintain a demanding career. It was laughable today as no one at my work knows and i thought to myself "if these people only knew what i have dealt with today" hmmm

Anyway I am resolved that the growth hormone did what it did. I don't think I will get as many as previous cycles but I am happy that I tried. I spoke to the founder of my clinic. He is whole other post. the man gave us his cell phone and lets us text him questions. he is my buddha. I spoke to him today and he said that the hgh is for quality and that we would be adding hcg at transfer. I have done that before and it didn't work but I am going to try it again. does anyone have any thoughts on hcg at transfer?

my goal for the weekend is to try to relax. we have a tremendous amount planned for this weekend and i just want to enjoy myself. I am also working out tomorrow and mentally telling myself this might be my last hard core work out. i have been bad before and worked out during my 2ww, but not anymore. for the love of god it is ivf number 5! as my acupuncturist says "you have the rest of your life to exercise, do nothing". He is also a sweet god from above.

 I hope you ladies are having a rock star weekend. Looking forward to catching up on my blogs.

Update

Scan went well. I am progressing as I usually do...at this point I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing. My estrogen was slightly low (which is unusual for me) so I was increased a bit. I go back on friday for a scan and some intralipids and then retrieval sometime early next week. Has anyone ever had the same amount retrieved. It is like my body has a set IVF point..i was reminded again today of quality over quantity ...but i just want more than last time. does that make sense? well actually lets face it i just want this to work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the well wishes.

quick question

if anyone has used saizen or human growth hormone can you let me know if it makes your follicles grow faster? Ugh I am hoping all is ok.my first scan they didn't seem much but I am back tomorrow. I just feel so swollen already. any help or advice is appreciated!

And so it is

Just wanted to give a quick update. Day 2 on hgh. Ahh the mixing of meds, rushing like mad to get home in time, it just never gets old ladies. It all feels the same but different, a 3 month break, but it is like it never stopped. 

I am trying to work on my positive thoughts and intentions this month.I will need some help with that. The one thought that keeps coming to mind is how grateful I am to have the opportunity to do this. And this is what it is. Just an opportunity, a chance for your dreams to come true. My husband is convinced that this is the one. I am not sure, but there is one thing i do know. I am going to do this until I cant. Until my body produces no eggs, I will try. Emotionally I am not sure how, but physically I am in excellent health so I can.

 I have been one of the lucky ones. Because truly I believe in luck. I don't gain weight during treatment. Over this past year I lost close to 20lbs. Ask me how come? Food and celebrations become less important when you feel your life slipping away. I also made a decision that I would not emotionally eat my way through this. And trust me I can, and I can do it well. I know many women in which the drugs have resulted in weight gain. This is through no fault of their own of course, just another hideous side effect from this journey and the pharmaceuticals we need to take during treatment. They are my heroes, because weight gain out of your control is awful. The dedication to continue doing something that has changed your entire body image is admirable. Those women will be rock star mothers one day.

I hope you are all are having a great weekend. I have a few of you in my thoughts as you are cycling, waiting for the next US, and like me praying for the follicular growth that we need to find our lucky one.

Number 5

It is on! AF arrived on time. I guess I can be grateful for that! Maybe this explains my rant yesterday!

One thing I would like to mention is my amazing clinic and mostly the head RN. These people continue to rock my world...and lets face it that is tough to do at this point. I love that I can call there, they know who I am, they get me in quickly, and just are so nice. Lets face it, I am not feeling too nice at this point so one of us needs to be. Everything is also electronic so in seconds i get consents sent to me and they email. this might seem minor, but in the mist of more cycles than i care to recall email has saved my life. whether its getting a question answered, at any hour, they respond. I plan to shower them with some big baby love when this whole thing is over. And to be honest I cant wait for that day. to thank those who have been there, consistently each time. I have got nothing but love.

This cycle we will also be using Saizen or human growth hormone. At this point I am willing to try anything, and although it is ungodly expensive, it seems worth a try. Please if anyone knows about this drug, let me know. I use an anatagonist cycle as well with follistim, menopur and ganirlex. My supply, which I have built up over the year is starting to get low. Foolishly I thought, I will get to donate all of these as I will never need them all...silly..silly girl. Anyway, starting today it is all about the positive thoughts, appointments, needles (thank god those don't bother me), and all of the other lovely crap that goes along with it. I also do RPL protocol as at my clinic they use that if you have failed implantation. So more intralipids and lovenox my way. plus the long list of vitamins I take already. I also recently started DHEA. does anyone have any experience with that? I am trying it but I really wonder if it will matter or not.

Here is to lucky number 5!!!!

Welcoming 2013

I am slowly learning that  I have less time than I want to be able to blog. It seems I make time to write and end up reading other blogs and neglecting my own. I thought I should at least update everyone with my post holiday news. First, I want to thank many of you for your comments and also all of the other fellow bloggers. The holidays were enjoyable and reading everyone Else's thoughts about them really helped at times too.I am just amazed at the women in this world who blog. Their honesty, humor and thoughts are just awesome!

My husband and I spent Christmas day alone as we have planned. It was completely wonderful and met both of our expectations. It will be a must do for years to come baby or no baby. We just loved that time together and am sad that we have missed out on it over the years.

I wish I had something inspiring to share about the new year. Maybe that is why I have not blogged in so long. The reality is that I was happy to see the year end. 2012 can shove it. 4 ivfs in less than a year leaves one kind of sour, sorry but its the truth. And the end of the December that is just how I felt. I am tired of hearing things happen for a reason....sorry but there is no reasoning for this heartache. For having to sacrifice so much of one's life to even pay for ivf...sorry I vow to never believe that at this point. I was just so happy the year was over. Should I feel positive, yes; but at the end of the day I have to put a smile on my face for every day at work. I told my husband for 2013 I am going to be real. If I feel in a bad mood, I am going to be in one. I am tired of being some superhero. I am a human being. I think it finally hit how much i keep it together between juggling a very demanding career, doctor appointments, exercising, acupuncture, procedures...saving money (that's my role)...it just gets endless. So if I feel unhappy I am going to let myself feel that way....at least for a little bit. Everyone else gets to, so why cant I. I cant because that has never been me. I am always the strong one and then am judged by those when I actually have real feelings. I lost a close friendship this year for that exact reason. And sadly as the year closed it was my best accomplishment, getting rid of negative, judgmental people in my life. I have no space and or time for those folks. Particularly now! Sadly that is what I felt the best about it. Knowing that person is no longer in my life.

Anyone else have any NY reflections to share?