Stuffed

This is the only word i could think of to describe how I feel. I have never experienced OHSS, but this chick has something brewing. My last appt my E2 was over 3300. Impressive for this possible, too many cycles in a year chick if I say so myself! My dose was slightly lowered my last night and then i triggered the next day. I always get super constipated after retrievals. But since this was an IUI I was just not expecting it.

I have tried collace one time a day, but not much is happening. My whole body hurts and worse off so does my self esteem. I use to be about 80lbs heavier years ago so any sense of fullness puts me over the edge. my husband has tried to comfort me but that is not helping. Does anyone have any other tricks to make this better? I will probably call my nurse manager tomorrow as I dont think things are severe, but I want some relief in the meantime. Also, has anyone ever had this after IUI. This started literally at ovulation and has not stopped and now i am on PIO and crinone so you know with progesterone it will only get  worse.

Other than that I have been trying to not think too much about this cycle. if it fails it fails, the only thing it cost me was the cost of sperm. Let me not downplay that costs but after 5ivfs that felt like a nickle candy purchase.

I hope everyone is doing well~

It Day

sorry for the lack of writing. I have not had as much time this go around. and I must admit going back to an IUI has been soooo much easier than the stress of IVF that I have enjoyed my time. But today is the day. My body is ready! I am very thankful that after so many cycles I had a great response to meds for an IUI. I know the chances of it working are slim, but at this point 5 rounds of ivf gave me nothing so what can I lose!

Anyway, please wish me luck. I have been still reading all of my blogs. Please know that I am thinking of you all. some who had recent failures and others who are gearing up to cycle.

Be back this weekend with some sort of update!

Boston Pride

I grew up right outside of Boston. The events yesterday have literally rocked my world. My day started yesterday by checking in with FB and watching a video of my brother in law at the start line with my 2 nieces and nephew. A tradition they have done for the past 7 years. He is an avid runner and lives for this event. He is also a teacher who was enjoying the start of a well earned spring break. My husband had called me at work, as I have no internet access, and told me of the events not knowing that our family were there. The next 12 minutes both of us tried to reach everyone in our family and could not. In those minutes I could not cry, breathe or think. All I could think was please god let nothing happen to them. Finally, my husband called and I told him to go back on FB; he did and my bother in law had posted a message that everyone was safe. On most days I hate FB and am relieved to not have internet access during the day to avoid the general grandstanding that happens on there.  But yesterday the imagination of social media brought me gratitude. Cell phones had shut down and given he had posted a video of his family at the race, even more people were calling to make sure they were ok. Social media was one of the main reasons most people were able to get a message out. I am so grateful.


As the day progressed I could not help but to think where my life was at. I spent the morning at a monitoring appointment. Worrying about this and or that. Does this all matter? Do I want to bring a child into this world knowing that there is pure evil. My heart is aching for those families who lost someone and or who are seriously injured. I feel uneasy, on edge, and very unsure. I am spending my time and money towards a possibility of maybe having a child. My energy is completely absorbed by it. Am I wasting my time? Should I appreciate what I have? I also know that if I were a mother, I could not be as brave as some were and run to help others. I would grab my kids and run. I know it is awful, but watching the footage i envy those who don't think of them self first. That is not me. My instinct would be to get me and my family safe. Horrible I know. I just pray that these events stop in our world. It is too much, it is too close. I worry for the children being born that this world has become pure evil and this is how they will need to live.

Boston-in my heart today and always.

It is on!

Started stims today. sadly it feels like no time has passed. I am oddly excited this month. maybe because we are doing an IUI and the stress of the appointments is gone with no ivf. I am feeling refreshed and less stressed. this is a great thing.

I have spoken about my favorite rn before. but i need to say i am inspired by her. despite my numerous failures she has been able to get my spirit up. she never stops answering my questions and is so supportive.

we are in the process of ordering DS. that is a whole other adventure. it is odd that i cannot get over how crazy this process is. just when you think you are prepared there is more to do every day! more forms, more errors on the forms, this task never ends. my favorite part of the week was when i asked my husband if he is concerned with using a donor. he just simply reassures me that he will be a dad and that is all that he cares about. I adore this man! normal SA, but given our genetic matching he is willing to give it all up for me. I said to him tonight that it is still very hard for me. coming from someone who has experienced true medical drama I have never given up on anything. It feels like I am giving up, he has reminded me that we are moving forward. How did I get so lucky?!

So if there are any prayers left, please keep me in your thoughts. cycle number gazillion and one is starting and I need all of the help that I can get!

spotting

Hoping some wise readers can help me. Since I started ttc i have experienced months where i spot before my period. never had this before and to this day not one doctor could ever explain it. this month i literally had some brown and near black spotting. not alot just on the paper, but enough where my aggravation meter went through the roof. you think with the money i have spent i should get an answer. therefore i am turning to you. at this point most of you probably know more than any doctor. and if you have experienced this please let me know. my level of appreciation to hold on to my sanity would be awesome.

good news, since today is day 1 and I started lupron on day 21 i get to go in for baselines and start this all up again. I am trying to get and be excited!

Vacation

This is kind of what I have been on. a mental one that is. I started my lupron on friday. I am doing a long lupron cycle. i have not used lupron exclusively before. the last time was with an iui and it was combined with follistim and menopur. I am surprised by the amount of cramps that i am having with it. any of you ladies know if this is normal?

other than that my husband and I enjoyed the holiday weekend to ourselves. it was wonderful. it is one of the positives of not living near family is getting to make the holidays your own. I know some hate it and miss family. not us. we have such small amounts of time together that we relish in making our own traditions. for the most part I felt good on easter sunday. there were moments that the reality hit that another holiday passing childless. another holiday not even remotely closer to having answers and or getting to our goal. i actually had someone at my job make a dumb ass comment about my weekend plans. we usually are very busy people between our careers and the rest of our life. one of my co workers said "i am surprised you are busy since you don't have kids". seriously what ignorance?! i wanted to laugh and say i do more in a week than most mothers since both my husband and i average 60-70 hours a work week, i make a full dinner every night no matter when we get home, clean my own house, work out several times a week, and menu plan every sunday night for the entire week. the person that said it doesn't even work full time! my husband told me I should have responded and said well how are you so busy since you work two days week only. but in my own polite way i just remarked that everyone is busy in their own way and let it go. dear sweet jesus let the dumb comments end!

What I do know, is if hopefully i get a child out of this mess of a life, i will never question any one's time and or actions. you never know what folks are dealing with. i have two friends and my husband who know about our struggles. no one at my work knows. sometimes i feel like i could have major bragging rights as to what i have endured and yet i still go to work every day. yup who was the girl at work 36 hours after her lap..yeah that was me; after transfer oh yeah that was me, after endo biopsy yup me again. I could be milking this shit for all that it is worth, but i refuse to. i have tremendous responsibilities at work and none that i take lightly. my doctor knows my rule unless it will impact the outcome i refuse to be told to sit home on my ass. my first ivf i took the whole week off and it failed. i vowed to never do that again. but trust me i could. my doctor would write me out of work any day given the number of attempts that i had. anyway, i am sorry for this rant. maybe i didn't realize how much things bothered me until now.

BUT if you have time, you must all read my fellow blogger's blog. maria at http://everydayisacountrysong.blogspot.com. 


She delivered her miracle daughter yesterday. She is the most amazing blogger. Her blog rocks my world with its creativity, pics, and of course her weekly food dishes. She has endured so much loss and to see her enter motherhood and share it with the world is a gift. She truly has inspired me with her spirit and the the love that she shares with her husband. If you need to be inspired read her story and trust me it will hopefully remind you that with persistence dreams can come true.