an award

ok 2 posts in one day.but i got nominated for an award from Jen at http://overworkedovaries.blogspot.com. The Liebster Blog. This is amazing, since I am clueless on blogging! Thanks Jen!

Her questions

1. What's your biggest guilty pleasure? beyond exercise, I love getting massaged. my husband gives me daily foot rubs. I am one lucky gal
2. Snacks...salty or sweet? neither but if i have to say so salty
3. What's your favorite book? this is really hard. I would have to say taste of the blackberries. it is a children's book which shaped my life on grief.
4. How did you meet your spouse? on line..it was the riskiest thing i did with the greatest reward
5. What's the scariest thing you've ever done? 5 ivfs in a year. seriously, enough said.
6. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? amazing question.  khloe kardashian...crazy i know.
7. Do you have any hobbies? i love baking, wrapping presents, and pilates!
8. Do you prefer the city or the country? city girl here
9. What is the farthest place you have ever traveled to? Italy. it was devine
10. Do you have pets? no
11. What was your first job? research assistant. boring job, great people and led me to the place that i needed to be

questions about me

 

1. Biggest regret? I regret not having more confidence in my 20s. 
2. favorite food? seriously quinoa..i am addicted to it
3. favorite thing about myself. I am a good caring person. the older i get the more i realize few people care about others
4. why i will make a good m om. because my life will be dedicated to my baby. i cant wait to love him or her
5. my favorite person in the world? my oldest niece, she rocks my world
6. one thing that no one knows about me? I pray and meditate every day. even more so now.
7. what has been the best part of this journey? realizing that i am a stronger person and even stronger than i ever imagined.
8. favorite moment of the week? opening my lunch today and finding a note on a napkin from my DH. the last line read you are my hero. he is my world, my everything. I will risk my life, and kind of already have, to make him a father.
9. can i keep a secret? this i am amazing at. my hubbie calls me a vault
10. the last time i felt relaxed? holiday baking time..i was in the zone
11. the one thing that i will say after i give birth? beyond bonding with my baby. all i visualize is me crying and saying its over. the battle, the shots, the lack of answers, surgery, drugs...its over and knowing that a new amazing thing is starting

Pushing on

Everything went well today. Slept through my infusion and then raced back to work to finish a 12 hour day. I cannot wait for this stuff to be over, I am so tired of racing back and forth between appointments, calling a pharmacy, and trying to maintain a demanding career. It was laughable today as no one at my work knows and i thought to myself "if these people only knew what i have dealt with today" hmmm

Anyway I am resolved that the growth hormone did what it did. I don't think I will get as many as previous cycles but I am happy that I tried. I spoke to the founder of my clinic. He is whole other post. the man gave us his cell phone and lets us text him questions. he is my buddha. I spoke to him today and he said that the hgh is for quality and that we would be adding hcg at transfer. I have done that before and it didn't work but I am going to try it again. does anyone have any thoughts on hcg at transfer?

my goal for the weekend is to try to relax. we have a tremendous amount planned for this weekend and i just want to enjoy myself. I am also working out tomorrow and mentally telling myself this might be my last hard core work out. i have been bad before and worked out during my 2ww, but not anymore. for the love of god it is ivf number 5! as my acupuncturist says "you have the rest of your life to exercise, do nothing". He is also a sweet god from above.

 I hope you ladies are having a rock star weekend. Looking forward to catching up on my blogs.

Update

Scan went well. I am progressing as I usually do...at this point I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing. My estrogen was slightly low (which is unusual for me) so I was increased a bit. I go back on friday for a scan and some intralipids and then retrieval sometime early next week. Has anyone ever had the same amount retrieved. It is like my body has a set IVF point..i was reminded again today of quality over quantity ...but i just want more than last time. does that make sense? well actually lets face it i just want this to work!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the well wishes.

quick question

if anyone has used saizen or human growth hormone can you let me know if it makes your follicles grow faster? Ugh I am hoping all is ok.my first scan they didn't seem much but I am back tomorrow. I just feel so swollen already. any help or advice is appreciated!

And so it is

Just wanted to give a quick update. Day 2 on hgh. Ahh the mixing of meds, rushing like mad to get home in time, it just never gets old ladies. It all feels the same but different, a 3 month break, but it is like it never stopped. 

I am trying to work on my positive thoughts and intentions this month.I will need some help with that. The one thought that keeps coming to mind is how grateful I am to have the opportunity to do this. And this is what it is. Just an opportunity, a chance for your dreams to come true. My husband is convinced that this is the one. I am not sure, but there is one thing i do know. I am going to do this until I cant. Until my body produces no eggs, I will try. Emotionally I am not sure how, but physically I am in excellent health so I can.

 I have been one of the lucky ones. Because truly I believe in luck. I don't gain weight during treatment. Over this past year I lost close to 20lbs. Ask me how come? Food and celebrations become less important when you feel your life slipping away. I also made a decision that I would not emotionally eat my way through this. And trust me I can, and I can do it well. I know many women in which the drugs have resulted in weight gain. This is through no fault of their own of course, just another hideous side effect from this journey and the pharmaceuticals we need to take during treatment. They are my heroes, because weight gain out of your control is awful. The dedication to continue doing something that has changed your entire body image is admirable. Those women will be rock star mothers one day.

I hope you are all are having a great weekend. I have a few of you in my thoughts as you are cycling, waiting for the next US, and like me praying for the follicular growth that we need to find our lucky one.

Number 5

It is on! AF arrived on time. I guess I can be grateful for that! Maybe this explains my rant yesterday!

One thing I would like to mention is my amazing clinic and mostly the head RN. These people continue to rock my world...and lets face it that is tough to do at this point. I love that I can call there, they know who I am, they get me in quickly, and just are so nice. Lets face it, I am not feeling too nice at this point so one of us needs to be. Everything is also electronic so in seconds i get consents sent to me and they email. this might seem minor, but in the mist of more cycles than i care to recall email has saved my life. whether its getting a question answered, at any hour, they respond. I plan to shower them with some big baby love when this whole thing is over. And to be honest I cant wait for that day. to thank those who have been there, consistently each time. I have got nothing but love.

This cycle we will also be using Saizen or human growth hormone. At this point I am willing to try anything, and although it is ungodly expensive, it seems worth a try. Please if anyone knows about this drug, let me know. I use an anatagonist cycle as well with follistim, menopur and ganirlex. My supply, which I have built up over the year is starting to get low. Foolishly I thought, I will get to donate all of these as I will never need them all...silly..silly girl. Anyway, starting today it is all about the positive thoughts, appointments, needles (thank god those don't bother me), and all of the other lovely crap that goes along with it. I also do RPL protocol as at my clinic they use that if you have failed implantation. So more intralipids and lovenox my way. plus the long list of vitamins I take already. I also recently started DHEA. does anyone have any experience with that? I am trying it but I really wonder if it will matter or not.

Here is to lucky number 5!!!!

Welcoming 2013

I am slowly learning that  I have less time than I want to be able to blog. It seems I make time to write and end up reading other blogs and neglecting my own. I thought I should at least update everyone with my post holiday news. First, I want to thank many of you for your comments and also all of the other fellow bloggers. The holidays were enjoyable and reading everyone Else's thoughts about them really helped at times too.I am just amazed at the women in this world who blog. Their honesty, humor and thoughts are just awesome!

My husband and I spent Christmas day alone as we have planned. It was completely wonderful and met both of our expectations. It will be a must do for years to come baby or no baby. We just loved that time together and am sad that we have missed out on it over the years.

I wish I had something inspiring to share about the new year. Maybe that is why I have not blogged in so long. The reality is that I was happy to see the year end. 2012 can shove it. 4 ivfs in less than a year leaves one kind of sour, sorry but its the truth. And the end of the December that is just how I felt. I am tired of hearing things happen for a reason....sorry but there is no reasoning for this heartache. For having to sacrifice so much of one's life to even pay for ivf...sorry I vow to never believe that at this point. I was just so happy the year was over. Should I feel positive, yes; but at the end of the day I have to put a smile on my face for every day at work. I told my husband for 2013 I am going to be real. If I feel in a bad mood, I am going to be in one. I am tired of being some superhero. I am a human being. I think it finally hit how much i keep it together between juggling a very demanding career, doctor appointments, exercising, acupuncture, procedures...saving money (that's my role)...it just gets endless. So if I feel unhappy I am going to let myself feel that way....at least for a little bit. Everyone else gets to, so why cant I. I cant because that has never been me. I am always the strong one and then am judged by those when I actually have real feelings. I lost a close friendship this year for that exact reason. And sadly as the year closed it was my best accomplishment, getting rid of negative, judgmental people in my life. I have no space and or time for those folks. Particularly now! Sadly that is what I felt the best about it. Knowing that person is no longer in my life.

Anyone else have any NY reflections to share?