Just wanted to give a quick update. Day 2 on hgh. Ahh the mixing of meds, rushing like mad to get home in time, it just never gets old ladies. It all feels the same but different, a 3 month break, but it is like it never stopped.
I am trying to work on my positive thoughts and intentions this month.I will need some help with that. The one thought that keeps coming to mind is how grateful I am to have the opportunity to do this. And this is what it is. Just an opportunity, a chance for your dreams to come true. My husband is convinced that this is the one. I am not sure, but there is one thing i do know. I am going to do this until I cant. Until my body produces no eggs, I will try. Emotionally I am not sure how, but physically I am in excellent health so I can.
I have been one of the lucky ones. Because truly I believe in luck. I don't gain weight during treatment. Over this past year I lost close to 20lbs. Ask me how come? Food and celebrations become less important when you feel your life slipping away. I also made a decision that I would not emotionally eat my way through this. And trust me I can, and I can do it well. I know many women in which the drugs have resulted in weight gain. This is through no fault of their own of course, just another hideous side effect from this journey and the pharmaceuticals we need to take during treatment. They are my heroes, because weight gain out of your control is awful. The dedication to continue doing something that has changed your entire body image is admirable. Those women will be rock star mothers one day.
I hope you are all are having a great weekend. I have a few of you in my thoughts as you are cycling, waiting for the next US, and like me praying for the follicular growth that we need to find our lucky one.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Number 5
It is on! AF arrived on time. I guess I can be grateful for that! Maybe this explains my rant yesterday!
One thing I would like to mention is my amazing clinic and mostly the head RN. These people continue to rock my world...and lets face it that is tough to do at this point. I love that I can call there, they know who I am, they get me in quickly, and just are so nice. Lets face it, I am not feeling too nice at this point so one of us needs to be. Everything is also electronic so in seconds i get consents sent to me and they email. this might seem minor, but in the mist of more cycles than i care to recall email has saved my life. whether its getting a question answered, at any hour, they respond. I plan to shower them with some big baby love when this whole thing is over. And to be honest I cant wait for that day. to thank those who have been there, consistently each time. I have got nothing but love.
This cycle we will also be using Saizen or human growth hormone. At this point I am willing to try anything, and although it is ungodly expensive, it seems worth a try. Please if anyone knows about this drug, let me know. I use an anatagonist cycle as well with follistim, menopur and ganirlex. My supply, which I have built up over the year is starting to get low. Foolishly I thought, I will get to donate all of these as I will never need them all...silly..silly girl. Anyway, starting today it is all about the positive thoughts, appointments, needles (thank god those don't bother me), and all of the other lovely crap that goes along with it. I also do RPL protocol as at my clinic they use that if you have failed implantation. So more intralipids and lovenox my way. plus the long list of vitamins I take already. I also recently started DHEA. does anyone have any experience with that? I am trying it but I really wonder if it will matter or not.
Here is to lucky number 5!!!!
One thing I would like to mention is my amazing clinic and mostly the head RN. These people continue to rock my world...and lets face it that is tough to do at this point. I love that I can call there, they know who I am, they get me in quickly, and just are so nice. Lets face it, I am not feeling too nice at this point so one of us needs to be. Everything is also electronic so in seconds i get consents sent to me and they email. this might seem minor, but in the mist of more cycles than i care to recall email has saved my life. whether its getting a question answered, at any hour, they respond. I plan to shower them with some big baby love when this whole thing is over. And to be honest I cant wait for that day. to thank those who have been there, consistently each time. I have got nothing but love.
This cycle we will also be using Saizen or human growth hormone. At this point I am willing to try anything, and although it is ungodly expensive, it seems worth a try. Please if anyone knows about this drug, let me know. I use an anatagonist cycle as well with follistim, menopur and ganirlex. My supply, which I have built up over the year is starting to get low. Foolishly I thought, I will get to donate all of these as I will never need them all...silly..silly girl. Anyway, starting today it is all about the positive thoughts, appointments, needles (thank god those don't bother me), and all of the other lovely crap that goes along with it. I also do RPL protocol as at my clinic they use that if you have failed implantation. So more intralipids and lovenox my way. plus the long list of vitamins I take already. I also recently started DHEA. does anyone have any experience with that? I am trying it but I really wonder if it will matter or not.
Here is to lucky number 5!!!!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Welcoming 2013
I am slowly learning that I have less time than I want to be able to blog. It seems I make time to write and end up reading other blogs and neglecting my own. I thought I should at least update everyone with my post holiday news. First, I want to thank many of you for your comments and also all of the other fellow bloggers. The holidays were enjoyable and reading everyone Else's thoughts about them really helped at times too.I am just amazed at the women in this world who blog. Their honesty, humor and thoughts are just awesome!
My husband and I spent Christmas day alone as we have planned. It was completely wonderful and met both of our expectations. It will be a must do for years to come baby or no baby. We just loved that time together and am sad that we have missed out on it over the years.
I wish I had something inspiring to share about the new year. Maybe that is why I have not blogged in so long. The reality is that I was happy to see the year end. 2012 can shove it. 4 ivfs in less than a year leaves one kind of sour, sorry but its the truth. And the end of the December that is just how I felt. I am tired of hearing things happen for a reason....sorry but there is no reasoning for this heartache. For having to sacrifice so much of one's life to even pay for ivf...sorry I vow to never believe that at this point. I was just so happy the year was over. Should I feel positive, yes; but at the end of the day I have to put a smile on my face for every day at work. I told my husband for 2013 I am going to be real. If I feel in a bad mood, I am going to be in one. I am tired of being some superhero. I am a human being. I think it finally hit how much i keep it together between juggling a very demanding career, doctor appointments, exercising, acupuncture, procedures...saving money (that's my role)...it just gets endless. So if I feel unhappy I am going to let myself feel that way....at least for a little bit. Everyone else gets to, so why cant I. I cant because that has never been me. I am always the strong one and then am judged by those when I actually have real feelings. I lost a close friendship this year for that exact reason. And sadly as the year closed it was my best accomplishment, getting rid of negative, judgmental people in my life. I have no space and or time for those folks. Particularly now! Sadly that is what I felt the best about it. Knowing that person is no longer in my life.
Anyone else have any NY reflections to share?
My husband and I spent Christmas day alone as we have planned. It was completely wonderful and met both of our expectations. It will be a must do for years to come baby or no baby. We just loved that time together and am sad that we have missed out on it over the years.
I wish I had something inspiring to share about the new year. Maybe that is why I have not blogged in so long. The reality is that I was happy to see the year end. 2012 can shove it. 4 ivfs in less than a year leaves one kind of sour, sorry but its the truth. And the end of the December that is just how I felt. I am tired of hearing things happen for a reason....sorry but there is no reasoning for this heartache. For having to sacrifice so much of one's life to even pay for ivf...sorry I vow to never believe that at this point. I was just so happy the year was over. Should I feel positive, yes; but at the end of the day I have to put a smile on my face for every day at work. I told my husband for 2013 I am going to be real. If I feel in a bad mood, I am going to be in one. I am tired of being some superhero. I am a human being. I think it finally hit how much i keep it together between juggling a very demanding career, doctor appointments, exercising, acupuncture, procedures...saving money (that's my role)...it just gets endless. So if I feel unhappy I am going to let myself feel that way....at least for a little bit. Everyone else gets to, so why cant I. I cant because that has never been me. I am always the strong one and then am judged by those when I actually have real feelings. I lost a close friendship this year for that exact reason. And sadly as the year closed it was my best accomplishment, getting rid of negative, judgmental people in my life. I have no space and or time for those folks. Particularly now! Sadly that is what I felt the best about it. Knowing that person is no longer in my life.
Anyone else have any NY reflections to share?
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas Eve
Dear Santa (and lets face it..Dear God)
If you are out there, please send us a baby. We have eggs, sperm, and a healthy uterus and endless love. And we will do anything for one.
Thanks!
Merry Christmas!
If you are out there, please send us a baby. We have eggs, sperm, and a healthy uterus and endless love. And we will do anything for one.
Thanks!
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Welcome ICLW
Welcome ICLW
Here are a few facts
mid 30s gal married to an amazing man who is in his late 40s. Our life is full of love and I feel lucky everyday to have him in my life.
unexplained IF, 5 iuis, 4 ivf and 1 FET. 2 barely CP after 2 ivfs. Our journey is like most, lots of treatment and no answers. We have done karotyping and have consulted with 3 different RE. All results indicate that nothing is wrong. We are strong people and are determined to persistently fight this battle until our baby is home.
Welcome and thanks for reading
Happy Holidays!
Here are a few facts
mid 30s gal married to an amazing man who is in his late 40s. Our life is full of love and I feel lucky everyday to have him in my life.
unexplained IF, 5 iuis, 4 ivf and 1 FET. 2 barely CP after 2 ivfs. Our journey is like most, lots of treatment and no answers. We have done karotyping and have consulted with 3 different RE. All results indicate that nothing is wrong. We are strong people and are determined to persistently fight this battle until our baby is home.
Welcome and thanks for reading
Happy Holidays!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday Thoughts
Blogging has been much harder than I thought. It seems that I have no time for myself or my life. I am sure most would agree. But the events on Friday made me realize today that I had to post. With the craziness of the holidays, both good and bad, we forget what we have in our on own life. Friday taught me that. It reminded me that the weekend previous, when I witnessed a father call his 4yr old daughter annoying as they were looking for a Christmas tree, that everyone should appreciate what they have today. Today I have my amazing husband and my health.
I also have infertility. And for some crazy reason, I appreciated it more this weekend. I know that I will hug my child each day and love them unconditionally. I also know that in life, even when it doesn't make sense, that every moment leads you to the place where are you are suppose to be. Its hard to say, its hard to hear, its hard to believe, but it is true. Infertility is leading me somewhere and I just cant wait to finally be there.
My husband and I have non technology nights during which we turn off all electronics and just be together. Some think we are crazy and cant believe at how little tv we watch. Before Friday it had been 10 days since I had watched any television. I realized last night as we sat quietly in front of our Christmas tree how much I value our time. we both have busy careers and once the week starts it is so hard to find that time. We held each other, talked, and we just BE. if that makes any sense? I realized how lucky I am as most of my friends' husbands would never do that with them as they complained to me all of the time and ask me how do I make him do it. I don't make him, he just wants to. And that hit me last night. We have never tired from wanting to be together. He never tires from supporting me. And last night when I told him that I could not explain the depth of my sadness but just that I wanted us to be in a different place in life. He turned to me and said we will get there. He never has given up. I don't always give him credit for that. He witnessed me, and of course went through as well, do 4 ivf cycles in 10 months, we both sacrificed financially each day to make that possible. He supports me as I work my schedule to attend endless doctor appointments, or wait on a list for other doctors across the country. We have texted doctors, had phone conferences, written letters, scanned documents, all for the chance to build our family. Last night he thanked me for the effort. He reminded me that I am a strong person and without me he didn't know where his life would be. I love him endlessly and he will forever be my everything.
In this new year I am promising to do everything possible to make his dreams come true. Appreciating what I have, and waiting patiently to get to where we were meant to be.
I also have infertility. And for some crazy reason, I appreciated it more this weekend. I know that I will hug my child each day and love them unconditionally. I also know that in life, even when it doesn't make sense, that every moment leads you to the place where are you are suppose to be. Its hard to say, its hard to hear, its hard to believe, but it is true. Infertility is leading me somewhere and I just cant wait to finally be there.
My husband and I have non technology nights during which we turn off all electronics and just be together. Some think we are crazy and cant believe at how little tv we watch. Before Friday it had been 10 days since I had watched any television. I realized last night as we sat quietly in front of our Christmas tree how much I value our time. we both have busy careers and once the week starts it is so hard to find that time. We held each other, talked, and we just BE. if that makes any sense? I realized how lucky I am as most of my friends' husbands would never do that with them as they complained to me all of the time and ask me how do I make him do it. I don't make him, he just wants to. And that hit me last night. We have never tired from wanting to be together. He never tires from supporting me. And last night when I told him that I could not explain the depth of my sadness but just that I wanted us to be in a different place in life. He turned to me and said we will get there. He never has given up. I don't always give him credit for that. He witnessed me, and of course went through as well, do 4 ivf cycles in 10 months, we both sacrificed financially each day to make that possible. He supports me as I work my schedule to attend endless doctor appointments, or wait on a list for other doctors across the country. We have texted doctors, had phone conferences, written letters, scanned documents, all for the chance to build our family. Last night he thanked me for the effort. He reminded me that I am a strong person and without me he didn't know where his life would be. I love him endlessly and he will forever be my everything.
In this new year I am promising to do everything possible to make his dreams come true. Appreciating what I have, and waiting patiently to get to where we were meant to be.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Winter Mornings
Woke up today to the sound of a snow plow. My usual thought would be to dread winter, but not today! Looked out the window and saw a beautiful blanket of white snow. It made me think of the holidays and I was wishing we were getting our tree today. Probably next week we will venture out and bring home a nice Frasier Fur!
I loved Christmas as a child. My parents always went all out for the holiday. Christmas Eve was the most magical day of the year. My grandfather would host the entire family at his house. It was an unreal night! We would take turns getting a present from youngest to oldest and sit in a special chair. He always had a way of getting you the most amazing gift. His house was tacked out in decorations and ornaments would be glued to each present. And I mean glue, like industrial stuff. It was fun, loud, at times chaotic, but I LOVED it. I have kept many of the ornaments over the years and now my parents do the same thing. We get ornaments every year, they are my most favorite gift. I love filling my tree with ornaments from them. I love that my parents do this for my siblings' kids as well. All of them have that same twinkle in their eye that me and my siblings had...and i am so glad.
What has been hard over the past several years is knowing how to spend Christmas. We live far from family so we end up traveling and never have a holiday of our own. No one seems to understand this, except us. My husband thinks it is amplified by not having kids, I guess I agree. We are just suppose to travel, do Christmas on another day for us, and suck it up. Last year my cycle began on Christmas Day. I knew we would be doing IVF so I was somewhat excited. This Christmas will be here and I will be aware that it will make one year and way too many cycles. I am trying to prepare for that. We also made the decision, to leave my families house on Christmas Eve and travel home (nearly 3.5 hours) to our own home to have Christmas morning as a family. Because we are a family. No one likes to hear that, but 2 person families exists. We are our own identity. I am exhausted by explaining to family why we would want to be together and not just sleep at someone Else's house. Does this make sense to anyone else? Sadly my husband and I usually forgo gifts as we have so many to buy for others and we are never home. Even more sad the cost of IF has made gifts seem ridiculous. I know it bothers him that I don't want gifts. But I fear being put into debt and making us both feel worse about an already incredible difficult set of circumstances.
But as of today I have decided I am going to find my Holiday spirit. I am going to think of what it is about the holiday that is within my control and that i can enjoy. Two things are my tree: I go all out and I plan to this year; second my wrapping. I make homemade bows and take great pleasure in wrapping gifts. I might not have a baby to hold, or one if my belly to rub; but dammit there will be holiday bows, trees, and baking...and it will be fabulous.
Happy Holidays and Happy Saturday to All!
I loved Christmas as a child. My parents always went all out for the holiday. Christmas Eve was the most magical day of the year. My grandfather would host the entire family at his house. It was an unreal night! We would take turns getting a present from youngest to oldest and sit in a special chair. He always had a way of getting you the most amazing gift. His house was tacked out in decorations and ornaments would be glued to each present. And I mean glue, like industrial stuff. It was fun, loud, at times chaotic, but I LOVED it. I have kept many of the ornaments over the years and now my parents do the same thing. We get ornaments every year, they are my most favorite gift. I love filling my tree with ornaments from them. I love that my parents do this for my siblings' kids as well. All of them have that same twinkle in their eye that me and my siblings had...and i am so glad.
What has been hard over the past several years is knowing how to spend Christmas. We live far from family so we end up traveling and never have a holiday of our own. No one seems to understand this, except us. My husband thinks it is amplified by not having kids, I guess I agree. We are just suppose to travel, do Christmas on another day for us, and suck it up. Last year my cycle began on Christmas Day. I knew we would be doing IVF so I was somewhat excited. This Christmas will be here and I will be aware that it will make one year and way too many cycles. I am trying to prepare for that. We also made the decision, to leave my families house on Christmas Eve and travel home (nearly 3.5 hours) to our own home to have Christmas morning as a family. Because we are a family. No one likes to hear that, but 2 person families exists. We are our own identity. I am exhausted by explaining to family why we would want to be together and not just sleep at someone Else's house. Does this make sense to anyone else? Sadly my husband and I usually forgo gifts as we have so many to buy for others and we are never home. Even more sad the cost of IF has made gifts seem ridiculous. I know it bothers him that I don't want gifts. But I fear being put into debt and making us both feel worse about an already incredible difficult set of circumstances.
But as of today I have decided I am going to find my Holiday spirit. I am going to think of what it is about the holiday that is within my control and that i can enjoy. Two things are my tree: I go all out and I plan to this year; second my wrapping. I make homemade bows and take great pleasure in wrapping gifts. I might not have a baby to hold, or one if my belly to rub; but dammit there will be holiday bows, trees, and baking...and it will be fabulous.
Happy Holidays and Happy Saturday to All!
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