Update

I have enjoyed my hiatus of blogging but thought it was time for an over due update. I have been loving reading all of my blogs; seeing baby pics of miracles, and ultrasound updates of others. It makes this journey more hopeful for all of us.

My long awaited hysterscopy was yesterday. things did not go as planned. The background is that I have been diligent with SHG and other hysterscopies to keep track of my what has been told to me as a perfect uterus. this past SHG showed one abnormality, I have never had any. When I awoke from anesthesia yesterday I was informed that I needed an emergency d and c. 20, that is right, 20 polyps were in my uterus! I nearly lost my shit. How does that go undetected despite a hysterscopy less than 6 months ago which was normal and btw demanded by me and not medically indicated. this prompted a wtf email to my clinic today. I am tired of waiting for a baby and a pregnancy that was deserved to me along time ago. if this feels like i am complaining, than so what I deserve to. I actually felt better hashing it out with them today. we have spent a small fortune. I learned that mine were so small that they were missed on the test. I ask you how does anyone ever get pregnant. I feel better today and know that I am a very strong advocate and could give two shits who I piss off at this point. My poor husband is more worried about me having cancer now and all of this, in my opinion, could have been avoided. If anyone has any polyp stories, please share.

My plan is to move forward. I accept that estrogen grows polyps but I will not give up on having a child. The anesthesiologist kept asking what pain meds i use for retrievals, and scopes; i was like uh mmm yeah none. she said wow you are strong. my only thought was you people have no clue how strong i am. I plan to pick myself up, use every resource I have, and push my doctor to the limit. I let him know outright if you have given up on me you can tell me and i will go elsewhere but if not game on. It is all I can do right now.


My apologies for my harshness today; I will be nicer next time.

and so it is

period one day before beta post natural IUI. here is my thought: whatevssss

It is monday. last week I worked almost 60 hours at my job and this week should be the same. but the sun is shining outside and I woke up today to the man of my dreams.

IF can go screw off for the week. Because I plan on staying focused on my work and my marriage. Both places I am successful and at least get something back for hard work!

Have a great week everyone!

Back to Basics

This is how I feel today. Going back to where it all started. Today I am having a natural IUI. I completed a mock cycle to get one on the books so if I pursue a donor it is done. I need to wait one more period before I can repeat the hysterscopy since I was not at baseline after taking the estrace. So the mystery to wait for what is in my uterus will have to wait some more.

Through all of this I have been so lucky. My body responds well and bounces back. When the nurse told me that there was a chance my natural hormones would kick in and ovulate I just had a feeling all would work out. So here I am with a 21 plus follicle. Do I have a gazillion gallons of hope that a natural iui will work, no but why not try it?! It reminds me of our first month at the clinic. We did a natural IUI, then a clomid IUI, and then 3 injectable cycles of an IUI. It seemed like so much, boy did I not have a clue of what we in store for me.

I always appreciate luck and prayers. I am enjoying reading all of my blogs. Some of you just got some hard earned BFPs, others are cycling, and some are like me trying to figure out what the summer will bring. My nurse told me something the other day that I thought I would share with you. She had said that women like us have more patience and strength than most. She had told me that the urge for her to be a mother would have eaten at her and she would not have been able to keep cycling. So please whenever you are all down remember that what we do every day is not always what others could handle. Yes we all should appreciate the positives in our lives, focus on other things etc. But wanting a baby, another baby, your 4 th baby, whatever it is, it is very hard work. I am going to try to keep that in my mind the next time I tell myself those dreaded words: I can't.

Something

Thank you all for the messages. I wanted to provide a quick update. I asked for a repeat SHG. I was due for one despite having 2 endo biopsies and a hysterscopy in November. As you recall nothing ever shows anything for me. labs, surgery, blood work all normal. until last Friday. they found something. yup, something. we don't know what it is, but i had an abnormality in my uterus.

In some odd way I was relieved. finally something that could be wrong. my amazing nurse scanned all of my others tests and scans and it is definitely is new. so i now have to get yet another hysterscopy done. I handled it fine, lets face it I am use to bad news. But my poor husband broke down. for the first time ever he wanted to stop treatment. he fears that this growth is cancerous. he told me that he wants me to be here healthy kids or no kids. thankfully he is doing much better now but last weekend was way too many nights of no sleep.

I have also started a mock cycle to get it done. if i use an egg donor i will need one so i am trying to get ahead of the game or at least do something. I need some advice. my nurse told me that there is a chance that those that fail egg donor cycles possibly are just women who reject every embryo. i literally have been ill since hearing this. she also said there is no way of testing for this at all. i am going to lose my mind if we save again use an egg donor and it fails. if i am destined to have no kids then i want to move on.


if anyone knows about this please let me know. you ladies are the smartest women i know!

In the moment

Thank you all for the messages and well wishes. I am here, still reading and still living. In my usual fashion I simply went to work on beta day and every day since. I worked more and harder than I should but that is who I am. I wish I could be the one who stays home, in bed, cries, eats what they want but I can not let myself. But man would it be nice.

My husband and I have done much talking over the past few days and the reality is we do not know where we are going in this journey. There is no guidebook and no predictor of what will happen. If someone were to tell me that if i did 10 ivfs i would be a mom than i would sign up now. but that is not reality. There is no way of knowing.

A part of me has started to wonder if i was doomed to have a sick or ill baby. am i being spared from something? I thought about this recently when I met a follow Vet IVFer who told me that she was starting to feel as though her eggs were bad and that her child would be very ill. she asked me if she was being spared from that. and it made me think. alot. I envy those who could parent any child. and maybe that is not me and god is punishing me. who the heck knows?!

For now, I am going to try to just be in the moment. I adore my husband who has never left my side through this and who continues to thank me daily for the sacrifices I have made to endure such medical treatment continuously. I love our life together and wish that felt like enough; but for both of us it is not. and that is where we are at ladies.

If anyone has any advice on next steps or how you knew it was time to stop, take a break, do donor eggs, or whatever else has healed your heart please let me know.

Happy Monday!

failure

BFN

seriously, what else is new right. You would think after 5 ivfs and now another iui  I would get use to it. But I am not. I felt numb all day and just angry. I have had enough. Seriously not even a damn chemical. I had 6 follicles for this iui?! anyway I basically told my husband that life sucks right now. I am not going to pretend to be happy when I am not.

I did not even take the sappy clinic phone call I was in no mood. I have no next steps and honestly I am really starting to wonder if this will ever happen.

waiting

I have been wanting to write but I do not have much to say. My test is Wednesday and life seems to have been so busy I really have not thought about the test as much. My husband and  I have both agreed that this cycle was so much easier. Maybe it is the less money spent, or the time, I am not sure but it has been easier on us. My husband remarked today that he feels that it didn't work. I reminded him of the low success rate of injectable IUI so he would not feel so bad. He said that I had not said much and that he feels if it worked I would have symptoms. I reminded him that IF treatment is all about having fake symptoms. Between the PIO, crinone, lovenox, dexamtheasone I have stuff going on but I refuse to get my hopes up. It is pretty cute as I think he still thinks that women should get instant morning sickness and like magic pregnancy hits.


Anyway I have been reading blogs daily. It is awesome reading where everyone is at right now. Some preggers, some starting, some gearing up for one more try. I am thinking of everyone and just sending positive thoughts to the universe. I will be back on Wednesday, but because I am insanely cheap I don't test ahead of time so I will know at some point Wednesday.

Happy Monday!